I Can Hear You Think
by Lur27
Summary: Set on S3 "Countdown". Meeting AU. Beckett is running to stop a dirty bomb from going off and wiping NYC from the map, but a car crash will change her life forever. Co-written with @StacyRodgers / Our entry for Castle Winter Hiatus Ficathon 2015 @CastleFicathon #CastleFicathon
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** This story is based on an idea taken from a Russian movie. Keep an open mind. This shall be a fun ride ;)

 **Chapter I**

 ** _\- Where a terrible accident leads to some confusing consequences -_**

The wheels screech painfully, when she presses the brake pedal into the floor, trying to make her charger slow down and turn around in the right direction, down the 48th, where the choppers spotted the black van. Now would be a good time to switch the siren on, but this far from the van she is not sure it's the right one. Until it takes a sharp turn, almost hitting a passer by caught in the way, and - she spots the woman inside.

"Pull over!" , Beckett shouts into the speaker, trying to get as calm as she sounds, because if she doesn't want this bomb to explode, panic is not really helpful here.

"Nazihah, pull over!".

Her magnified voice cuts through the hoots of the siren, just as she manages to shorten the distance between the two cars and pull over to the curb in front of the van. The van seems to slow down and she finally allows herself a moment of relief. Now comes the hardest part. Hopefully, the bomb squad will not be late.

She can see Nazihah through the driver's window, her eyes wide, her body shaking, both hands wrapped tightly around the steering wheel. She's desperate, terrified, because she knows what's at stake, a lot more than just the life of her beloved daughter, but she needs to to be stopped.

Beckett kills the engine, hastily opens the door, about to take off towards the van, when it suddenly jerks back to life and the next thing she knows, her Crown Vic is sent flying towards the cab, driving just a couple of feet ahead. It's all a cacophony of sounds -metal rattling, glass crashing, people screaming, before everything goes black.

The last thing she remembers is a pair of bright blue eyes, wide with fear.

* * *

His first impulse is to rush home and grab his girls, so that they could flee to the Hamptons together, because separation is really _not_ his thing. But Bob made it clear, that the time is pretty much out, so he hails a cab instead and makes a call to the car service for the loft.

"No, Mother, no time to explain." He rushes to say, running a hand through his hair while he looks around to take in his surroundings. "No time to pack, either. Excuse me," he says, poking the glass screen to catch the cabbie's attention, "could you please take 48th street? It's faster." He hears his mother still whining on the phone and huffs. "Mother, just take Alexis and get in that car. No, we'll get all the supplies in the Hamptons." After a few more complains he breaks, his loud screech making the cab driver wince. "Damn it, Mother, please! Just listen to me!" There's a moment of silence, and then, he sighs. "OK, I'll see you soon, bye."

He takes a moment to pull himself together, reclining his back against the car seat and taking a deep breath, counting to four and letting it out. They are going to be fine. They have to.

It's her voice that brings him back to reality, a raspy, yet contained cry, a bit distorted by the echo of the megaphone it's coming through.

"Pull over!" The woman commands, but he can't see where the voice is coming from and something tells him that whatever is going on, it has something to do with the reason that made him run out of town.

"Nazihah, pull over!" comes the voice again, more urgent this time.

The cab stops at a red light and he peeks over the driver's shoulder to see two vehicles, racing a few yards ahead - a police Crown Vic driving after a black van, trying to overtake it.

Right when the cop's car stops in front of the van, the light goes green and the cab starts moving again. The policewoman opens the door and is just getting out when the van suddenly accelerates.

The last thing he sees is the back of the crown vic colliding with the side of his cab.

And then, just darkness.

* * *

The bomb squad arrives two minutes too late, only to find that there is no job for them – the device didn't get off. No one can tell what failed, but whatever the defect was, it surely saved them all from a major catastrophe.

The scene is a complete mess, though. Three banged up cars, four victims - one of whom is his best homicide detective - and a whole crowd of shocked onlookers, which will take some time to disperse.

This is officially one of the worst days in Roy Montgomery's life.

The paramedics get to the scene pretty fast – just in time to pick up their patients and rush in the direction of the hospital, five minutes before the journalists invade the whole street. He braces himself for their attack, throwing a command to Esposito to go with Beckett and make sure she will be okay. As okay as one can be after being jammed between two cars.

* * *

She almost dies twice on the way to the hospital. The paramedics don't pay him much attention, doing their job, fighting for Beckett's life with admirable patience. It is hard to see his partner, his friend, like this - pale and unresponsive, covered in bandages and blood.

The EMTs push the gurney into the OR, leaving him behind in the blinding white hall to wait. Nobody tells him for how long. Nobody tells him what her chances are. At least, not verbally, because their faces tell him rather straight , that the chances don't look very good..

He wants to yell, he wants to crush things and smash them into the wall. He wants to kick Beckett's ass for her stupid bravery. He wants to help her and he can't. So when the shrill ring of his phone startles him out of his stupor, he is thankful, he is glad to do something besides waiting.

"Esposito!" He barks into the receiver, sighing when he hears his partner's worried voice. "No, Kev, still no news. She's in surgery. It looks bad…" He takes a minute as he listens to Ryan's questions. Runs a hand through his hair and closes his eyes tight, pressing two calloused fingers against the lids, then pinching the bridge of his nose. "Yeah, you should have seen those cars... Have you reached her Dad yet? Okay, bro, keep trying."

* * *

Kevin presses redial for the 47th time and lets out a loud sigh. His patience finally gets its reward in the shape of the soothingly confident voice of Jim Beckett.

" Hello?"

"Mr. Beckett, this is Detective Kevin Ryan – I work with your daughter? I'm not sure if you remember me..." The cop asked, trying to keep his voice as even as possible.

"Ah, yes. I remember you." The older man replied. "Is everything okay? Where is Katie? Did anything happen?"

So many questions, all at once. In a way, it sounds like an interrogation. Is it some kind of family trait or does this man actually sense that something's going on?

"Uh…Mr. Beckett, I think it will be better if you sit down right now."

Ugh, great. Quite the pep talk.

"What happened, Ryan?!"

"Mr. Beckett, I'm so sorry, but there has been an accident. Your daughter, she is…"

"What? What happened to Katie? Where is she? Is she - Is she alive?"

The voice on the other end starts to break, desperate and short of breath.

"Y-Yeah. Yes, she is still alive. But the injuries she got are rather serious, so I guess she is gonna be in surgery for another couple of hours or so. The doctors haven't said anything yet."

There is a pregnant silence and then, "Right. What hospital?"

"New York-Presbyterian."

The call ends, and for a couple of seconds, there is only silence and the long beeps of his phone in the background.

* * *

It is confusing. She has never heard her son this urgent and… well, scared. He sounded completely terrified when they talked on the phone and for a second she thought he had lost his mind. Getting out of the city? Whatever it is her son thinks is going on, it has to be serious.

She takes a look at her granddaughter, hunched in the corner of the town car, going through her phone absentmindedly, a frown in her face. She must be worried too.

"Hey, kiddo. It's going to be ok." She says reassuringly, reaching out and taking the teen's hand in hers. "You know your father. He's a bigger drama queen than I am sometimes."

Alexis smiles, nodding softly. "You think he's ok? He said he was coming too, right?"

"Yes. He was in a cab. Probably out of town by now, darling. Don't worry."

She has just finished pronouncing the last word, when her own phone comes to life, startling both of them.

Unknown number.

"Yes?" She answers, her voice caught.

"Hello. Could I talk to Mrs. Rodgers?" A female voice asks.

Martha takes a deep breath and squeezes her granddaughter's hand. "Yes. This is she."

"Mrs. Rogers, my name is Susan Collins, I am a doctor at New York-Presbyterian." The woman introduces herself. "I am calling about your son, Richard Castle?"

"Richard?" She gasps, trying to keep her voice low and calm, even though she feels Alexis stiffen at her side. "Is he ok? What happened?"

"There was an accident, ma'am. He's not in good shape. We need you to come ASAP."

"Oh my god! Of course, of course." She nothing but whispers into the receiver. "We'll be there soon. Thanks for calling."

Martha clicks the phone off and turns to look at the already terrified teen at her side. "Darling, I need you to stay calm. That was a doctor calling. Your father's in hospital, there has been an accident…"

Alexis' eyes go wide in horror and she pulls her closer to her, her arm around the girl's shoulders and her cheek on top of her head. "He's going to be fine. You'll see."

"Excuse me!" She adds, knocking on the crystal screen separating them from the driver. "May you, please, turn around? We need to head back to the city. New York-Presbyterian. And fast."

* * *

This is the worst headache anyone could ever experience. And this strange feeling... must be exactly what "hit by a milk truck" actually means. There are no thoughts, only some hurly fragments, twisted and smudgy and then –. Then suddenly all the memories flood back in – the bomb, the chase, the crash – Alexis! If the bomb had exploded what happened to Alexis?

"Who is Alexis?" A raspy voice asks.

"My… my daughter."

Beckett opens her heavy-lidded eyes only to find herself face to face with the stunned faces of her partners, looking at her like she had grown a second head.

"But – uh. You don't have a daughter, Beckett. At least that we know of..." Esposito is the first to break the silence.

Beckett's head is pounding trying to process his words. A daughter? What the hell is he talking about?

"Of course I don't have a daughter. What are you talking about? What…What happened?"

" _Who is there?! What's going on?"_

How strange. She thinks she has heard someone else's voice. A man whispering. The walls in this hospital must be really thin.

"The bomb didn't go off. But the woman was really scared, so she pressed the gas pedal instead of brakes. Got your car smashed into a cab. Honestly, you are lucky to be alive."

" _The bomb? You mean the dirty bomb?"_

That voice again. Must be another victim talking in the next room.

"Yeah, Beckett. You must have been born with a silver spoon or somethin'. Been in a coma for what, a week? We started to think that you'd never wake up again."

" _Who is Beckett? And where am I?"_

And there it is again. What the hell?

"Where is my Dad? Is he here?"

" _Whose Dad? Does anyone care to explain?!"_

Ok. She needs to calm down. It's just some weird effect these drugs are having on her.

Esposito nods. "He had to leave for some meeting for a couple of hours, but he's been here every minute he could."

" _Do you even hear me?"_ The voice asks. Those drugs must be the strongest stuff for sure.

"Montgomery drops by pretty often, too. " Ryan adds.

"You'd probably better pretend to be asleep though. The man is furious"

The boys chuckle, both pleased with this shared joke. But their laughter is soon drowned in the damn voice echoing in her skull.

" _Where am I?!"_

"Oh, will you just shut up already?!"

She would find comical the way her boys are looking at her now -both utterly bewildered. They exchange funny glances and raise from their chairs, walking towards the door in sync, closing it after themselves as softly as possible.

Beckett groans, sinking her head back into the pillow, exhausted, puzzled and slightly ashamed.

"What the hell just happened?" She mumbled out loud, covering her face with both hands.

" _I have no idea"_

Oh god. This can NOT be happening.

TBC...

 **Let us know what you think! Thanks for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 _ **\- Where things get even more confusing -  
**_

* * *

This cannot be happening…

Kate huffs and rests her back on the fluffy pillows, laughing at her drug induced hallucinations, and wincing when her sore ribs send a _red_ alert to her brain. This is going to be worse than she first imagined, and now that she thinks about it, no one has told her what her injuries are yet. She should probably call a nurse, although she's certain that her boys already took care of that when they left.

She takes a deep, cleansing breath and closes her eyes. Talking to her doctor can wait. She might have been in a coma for over a week, but she's exhausted. Sure some sleep won't hurt, right?

Her breathing evens out and her whole body relaxes against the slightly hard mattress, and just when she's about to give in to sleep completely...

" _So, you can hear me..."_

Her eyes open wide and her breathing stops as she waits. Listens. This is not real. It can't be!

" _Hello?"_ The voice asks again. " _Are you ok?"_

"Am I ok?" She snorts, looking around for someone hidden in some corner of her room because, obviously, this has to be a joke. "I am hearing voices, so _no_ , I am clearly _not_ ok!"

" _Um… If it's any consolation, I'm just as confused about what's going on as you are."_

Kate shakes her head and huffs. "It is not. But thank you..." she pauses, feeling a bit ridiculous. "mysterious voice in my head…"

" _Well, I'm…"_

"...some funny side effect of my head trauma and all the pain killers. I'm sure you'll be over soon enough. I just need -" she yawned. "- to sleep for a couple of hours. It was... nice... talking to you."

When a nurse wakes her up an hour later, first thing she hears is,

" _So, it wasn't a dream."_

* * *

Martha lets Alexis sleep next to her father's bed, indulging herself a few silent tears. Saying she's worried would be an understatement. She is terrified.

She talked to her son's doctor this morning and what she said was less than reassuring. They expected him to be awake by now. His neuronal response is good, he is breathing on his own - they removed the tube a couple of days after the accident - and his vitals are completely normal, but apparently, his brain refuses to wake up.

No one, not even Dr. Collins, or any of the two neurologists that she has consulted, has been able to give her a reason why her son is still in a coma after 10 days.

"He's gonna wake up, right?" Alexis asks suddenly, her cheek pressed against her father's hand. "He has to."

The teen's eyes fill up with tears and Matha leaves her spot on the tiny couch by the window to sit beside the bed.

"Of course, kiddo! Don't you know your father, yet?" Martha questions, trying to force a smile. "He's stubborn as a mule, this one. It doesn't matter how long it takes him, darling - he'll come back to us. To you."

Her acting skills come in handy in this kind of situation, she thinks; plastering that same forced smile on her face again just to calm down her beyond worried granddaughter. When inside, her heart is breaking into tiny, little pieces, thinking that her only child might never wake up again.

* * *

Kate lets out a sigh of relief, when her father finally appears at the door. The day has been quite overwhelming, what with all the medical personnel constantly crowding the room, doing all kinds of tests, checking her injuries, filling endless charts… Not to mention her annoying private poltergeist, flooding her head with stupid questions and terrible puns.

Who would have thought, that her steady and rational mind might be able to produce such a weird character? He even tried to flirt with her at some point and ugh - it's getting harder and harder to ignore him or at least find a plausible explanation for his existence.

So yes, seeing her Dad is pretty much a breath of fresh air.

"Hey, Dad!"

"Katie!" Jim smiles, leaning over the bed to press a kiss to her forehead. "I'm so sorry, I couldn't come yesterday. How are you feeling, sweetie? It's a blessing to see you awake."

" _That's your Dad?"_ The voice screeches, making her wince a bit. " _Nice!"_

She stiffens for a moment, but handles her annoyance pretty well, even though this inappropriate joy makes her want to strangle its source, real or not.

And of course, her Dad notices.

"Katie? Everything okay?" he asks cautiously.

She manages a tight smile for him – no need to make her father more worried than he already is.

"Yeah, yeah. Just still not used to some of my sore spots ."

Jim finally takes a seat at her bedside, giving his daughter a sympathetic look. They spend several moments like this, just staring at each other and she is thankful that her overly talkative mind fell silent for once.

"Does it hurt much?" her father whispers, reaching for her hand, squeezing it between his.

"No, Daddy", she whispers back, her throat constricted with all the emotions "Nothing I can't manage"

Her father takes a minute to just look at her and then sighs. "I was so scared, Katie. You just lay there, so small and I…I couldn't keep thinking that if I lost you too, my life would be over for good. It would just be too much, after…"

"Dad -" She cuts, shaking her head.

But, Jim waves her off and smiles pitifully. "No, no. I get it. I understand that this is your job. This is – what you are, I accepted it a long time ago, but Katie - Please, don't do this to me ever again."

Her father's teary eyes make her own tingle as she nods enthusiastically. "Okay."

"Okay."

They let a few silent moments pass and then she squeezes her dad's hand, startling him out of his sad reverie.

"Are you going to tell me what you got in that bag?"

Jim barks a laugh and nods. "Oh, yeah. Sure"

He bends over to the side and picks a small duffel bag from the floor.

"So, the doctors were strict about your diet, but I took the risk and brought you some gummy bears - I guess one or two a day won't hurt. They are cherry flavored. Your favorite."

" _Ooh, cherries! Yummy!"_

Just when she has blissfully forgotten about him...

" _Interesting…"_ he chimes in again, sounding truly curious." _Wouldn't have thought you cops ate something besides doughnuts and pizza. I'll save it for future reference."_

Her dad chuckles at the eye roll she can't suppress, apparently thinking it's meant for him.

"What?" He defends himself. "I saw the stash in your kitchen drawer!"

This time, an almost girlish giggle joins Jim's laughter and it takes her quite an effort not to growl.

"Ok, what else have you got in there? " she demands, nodding at the bag.

"Well, Dr. Wright said they planned to keep you here for 2 or 3 more days, so I figured you'd want something to keep you entertained."

He pulls out a couple of books she recognizes as her own possessions - Patterson's "The 6th Target" and a dog-eared, read to tatters copy of "In a Hail of Bullets" by Richard Castle.

" _Patterson? Really?"_ The voice whines, sounding like a spoiled kid. " _That guy's so presumptuous…"_

She ignores the childish complaint and thanks her father, putting Patterson's book aside and taking a look at Castle's. "I haven't read this one in a while…"

Jim smiles. "It was on your bedside table. Thought you'd like to have it."

"Yes. Thanks, dad."

She thinks she hears the voice squeak in surprise. Or may be snort. Whatever.

* * *

Her dad doesn't want to go, determined to stay till the end of the visiting hours, but Kate sends him home, insists on him needing some good, trouble-free sleep. He complies eventually, making a promise to drop by in the morning before work.

She makes herself as comfortable as it's possible with her injuries, intent on spending a little quality time with a book before the evening rounds. The peace and quiet in her head almost persuades her that her little madness is over, or at least has taken a break, but -

" _Richard Castle, huh? You like him?"_

She prefers to ignore the voice, yet again, for some reason, hoping it will make him - this - disappear.

" _I mean it's totally understandable."_ he goes on excitedly, oddly encouraged by the lack of response " _The guy is kinda genius. Who else would get his first book published, while still in college? And all kinds of awards, huh! His fans always say he is charming. Not to mention ruggedly handsome."_

"HA!" She snaps, mildly exasperated. "A charmer, my ass! The guy's a total jerk!"

" _Wha- How would you know?"_

"Oh, well. It's kinda obvious." She replies, turning a page of her book without having read a single word. "And... he got to prove it to me in person. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to read."

She hears a huff, something sounding close to " _...not a jerk"_ and then, silence. At last.

The book hooks her from the first word, exactly like it's done the other thousand times she's read it. She can't understand how the author, Richard Castle, can be such an amazing writer, have that kind of depth and insight and translate it into his books, and then be such a giant jerk in person.

She met him a few years back, when the third book of the Storm series was released. She stood for over an hour in a long line, and had to put up with Will mocking her about her inner fangirl, just to have her expectations about her favorite author erased in a flash.

He was smug, self-centered and childish, signing women's chests and flirting with everyone in the room with two X chromosomes in their genome.

It didn't bother her that much, until it was her he was trying to "charm".

His " _Where would you like it?"_ when she came up to the long signing table and the way he complimented her eyes without raising his own from her cleavage, had her wanting to whack him with his own book, but after waiting for a goddamn hour, she was not going to leave without his stupid autograph.

Kate huffs at the memory and closes the book, putting it on the nightstand and rubbing her stinging eyes. She needs to sleep.

She turns the lights off and lowers the head of the bed, pulling the covers over her and snuggling between them with a content sigh. The fact that she is so tired after the whole day spent in a horizontal position, is still beyond her understanding.

Mmm. Sleep. Yes. This is exactly what she needs.

" _So, are you done ignoring me?"_

And there it is again… Certainly, timing is not this guy's gift at all.

"No?"

" _I just… Aren't you curious about me? Who am I? Why is this happening?"_ He asks, truly concerned.

She sighs. "Nope."

" _I don't believe you…"_

"Well, you're the one inside my head." She shoots back, rolling to her left side and wincing at the stabbing pain in her ribs and right knee "You should know if I'm lying."

" _Yeah, like I can read your mind…"_

That automatically catches her attention and she raises her head from the pillow to look up, feeling a bit stupid when there's no one there to face.

"Wait, you can't?" She questions completely puzzled. "I mean, you're in my head, you're… How can you not know what I am thinking?"

" _I just don't."_ He responds, sounding irritated.

"But you're…"

" _What,_ Kate? _A temporary hallucination?"_

Kate. He had never used her name before now, and it's… weird.

"Well, yes?" She replies, a little surprised by this twist in scenario.

His laughter is dark, bitter and sort of hysterical.

" _At least_ you _can come up with a plausible excuse for the situation you are stuck in. I – I can easily believe in a lot of crazy things, but this is way beyond my limit."_

Kate frowns and crosses her arms, bracing herself for whatever is coming. "Then what do you think happened? What – who are you?"

" _Right now, I am just what you thought- a voice in your head. I woke up when you did, a couple days ago. It's like being on a ride, really... I can hear everything and apparently see through your eyes, but I can't feel anything and no- I can't read your mind."_

She nods slowly, swallowing the growing lump in her throat. "And before that…" She asks.

It takes him a second, but there's a sigh and then, " _I was in that cab you crashed into. Your car is the last thing I remember seeing. And you know the funny part?"_

"Oh, there is a funny part?" She huffs.

" _Yep."_ he chirps, way too cheery for her liking. " _If I hadn't known about the dirty bomb, all of this would have never happened."_

" You don't know tha-... Wait. You knew about the dirty bomb? How? That was classified information!"

" _Why does it matter? I just knew. I was fleeing town in that cab, when I heard your voice through that megaphone and then...No need to tell you what happened."_

She remains quiet for a while, trying to wrap her mind around this crazy situation. How is she supposed to deal with this? It's insane. A man in her head? Like, a real person! Stuck in there, for no reason at all. How the hell did that happen?

"Okay, I guess you're right..." She mumbles, letting out a long breath. "Um, you know my name. I think, it's high time for me to find out yours?"

" _Ri- Rodgers. Alexander Rodgers. Just Alex will be fine."_

"I think this is the weirdest introduction of my life, but um, yeah... nice to meet you, Alex."

* * *

Their strange conversation is suddenly interrupted by a short knock on the door. Dr. Wright, her neurologist, a short balding man of around 50, with piercing green eyes and a strong Southern accent, comes in, followed by a tall, serene, Afro-American man she's never seen before.

" _Who's that with Wright?"_

"No idea." She mutters under her breath.

They have to wonder a little more, as Dr. Wright performs the usual tests, showering her with silly jokes and cheap compliments.

The man is far from funny, but she can't help but laugh and giggle at Alex's responses to the doctor's antics.

"Ok, I'm done here." Wright says after checking her pulse for the second time. "Your condition is pretty good, considering. Now all you have to do is follow your diet and avoid physical exertions. I'd also recommend you find a good physical therapist. You will need help to regain all your mobility and strength back. I can give you a couple of references if you'd like."

"Yes, thanks. That'd be great. So, um… Is there anything else?" Kate asks, still confused by the other man's presence in the room.

Wright smirks and gives the mysterious man an amused look. "Ah, actually, yes. Ms. Beckett, this is Dr. Burke from Psychiatry." He introduces his colleague at last, resulting in a whiny " _I hate shrinks!"_ from Alex that has her lips twitching.

"Given the terrible accident you were involved in, the head trauma, along with the coma, we need to supervise your mental condition."

"Oh." She mumbles, a bit uncomfortable. "An evaluation?"

"I was thinking more of a long term follow up." Dr. Burke chimes in. "You've been through a very traumatic experience, suffered both physically and emotionally, so there are going to be some issues we will have to address, especially given the character of your job."

"So, you mean therapy…" Kate sighed, deflating.

"Yes, Ms. Beckett." Burke assented. " After you get into a comfortable rhythm with your physical therapy, I'd like us to meet again for your evaluation and re-qualification for your position with the NYPD. After that, it will be up to you if you want to continue with your treatment, which after such a traumatic experience, I sincerely recommend."

"But I feel normal. I mean…not physically - but yes, normal. Why would I need therapy?

"I'm afraid it's not that simple." The doctor adds. "As I have already told you, it's a rather hard experience. You woke up from the coma, but your brain is still catching up. Until now you've been in a secure environment. You've had visitors, but you haven't had to deal with the "real world" yet. Out there you will have to face all the problems that are bound to arise. Nightmares, panic attacks, PTSD. I am not saying it's going to happen, but it could and you are probably going to be overwhelmed by it. I'm just here to guide you through the healing process. If you want me to, of course."

After Burke's speech, both doctors say their goodbyes and leave her alone to think.

" _Told you, I hate shrinks. They mess with your mind."_

"Yeah, well, that's their job." She huffs, falling back into the pillowed head of the bed and groaning when a pang of pain takes her by surprise.

" _So, what are you gonna do?"_ Alex's voice is a mixture of concern and curiosity and she thinks distractedly that it would be interesting to have a face to go with it.

"I don't know." She sighs, closing her eyes. "I need to think about it. Preferably in the morning."

She lets out a yawn and snuggles her pillow, letting her body relax against the mattress. "I'm too tired to think right now."

" _Ah, yes, of course. Until tomorrow."_

He falls silent for like, 10 seconds and then...

" _Kate?"_

"Ugh. What?"

" _Sorry, I jus-"_

He doesn't get to finish. Kate's phone starts ringing and she has to suppress a gasp when she checks the caller ID. The last person she was expecting to hear from. The man she had been dating for the last 4 months. The one she had totally forgotten about.

She clears her throat and picks up. Her voice waivering. "Hey, Josh."

" _Huh."_ She hears Alex exhale.

"Kate?" Josh replies, his voice distorted by static. "Can you hear me?"

"Yes, I hear you. Where are you?"

It takes him a few seconds to answer back, and when he does, she can barely make up the words. "I'm sorry, reception is awful here. Been trying to call you all week. How are you?"

How is she? Well, she was in a coma for over a week, she has 3 broken ribs, a sprained wrist, her right leg is broken in three different places and - if she could actually move - she'd be a giant walking bruise. Not to mention she can hear voices in her head.

But, yeah… He doesn't know about her accident. He has no idea that she could have died a few days days ago, and she doesn't know how to tell him, 'cause, how do explain to your philanthropist, "doctor without borders" of a boyfriend, that you were involved an accident ten days ago and you didn't even think about him until now?

TBC

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Let us know what you think :)**

 **Thanks to Tshlw for putting up with us and help us with editing. Love ya, girl.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **\- Where things go from confusing to... awkward?-**

* * *

Her mind keeps trying to come up with a believable reply, but she just can't think of anything. She has no idea how to explain her actual condition to her boyfriend, when she knows there is nothing he can do being 1,500 miles away.

"Kate? You there?" Josh asks confused, when over a minute passes and she hasn't replied yet.

"Um, yeah, I'm here, sorry."

"So, how are you? Is everything ok?" He persists, his voice muffled by static.

She takes a deep breath. "Yes, fine! I'm fine. Just a little swamped with work right now." She finally responds, overly cheerful and slightly high-pitched.

 _"Seriously?"_ Alex chimes in, incredulous, causing her to huff and shake her head reprovingly.

"What about you? How is Haiti?" She asks hurriedly. "I wanted to call, but I know how busy you are. I didn't want to bother you…"

"Oh, babe, you could never bother me!" Josh protests. "But yes, the last week has been insane. Three complicated cases, neck-to neck. But I still want you to call me, anytime. I miss you, Kate. You are always on my mind."

Alex lets out a chuckle. _"Oh, if he only knew…"_ He mutters, amused.

Kate bites her lip and runs a hand through her tangled hair, wincing slightly at the pain in her wrist.. "Um...yes, I - I miss you, too" She lies again. "When are you coming back?"

"I'm still not sure. I'll tell you as soon as I find out, okay?" The doctor rambles nervously. "I'm sorry, I know I promised to..."

"No!" She blurts before he can say anything else. "It's alright. I understand. Don't worry."

"Dr. Davison." She hears a woman call him in the distance. "Dr. Davidson, we need you in the operating room."

There's some rustling on the phone as she hears him reply "I'll be right there" to the mysterious woman. "Sorry, honey, I need to go." He apologizes. "I will call as soon as I get a chance. I promise."

She nods, even though she knows he can't see her. "Yes, sure. Don't worry. Talk later."

"Yeah… Hey, Kate, I lo-"

"Bye, Josh." She cuts, hanging up before the words can make it out of his mouth. No need to make things worse. She doesn't even want to hear the words, anyway. Not when she can't say them back.

 _"A doctor, huh?"_ Alex drawls, enjoying the situation a little too much, by the sound of it.

"Yeah." She assents, defiantly. "A surgeon."

" _Nice."_ He replies, clearly impressed. " _And how exactly did he end up in Haiti?"_

"Doctors Without Borders. He is probably saving somebody's life right now."

" _Ah, yes. Hard to compete with that."_

"Yes. It is." She snaps, knowing where the conversation is headed and not liking it one bit.

Just as she suspected, Alex can't take a hint.

" _Now, the question is –"_ He starts curiously. " _Why didn't you tell your superhero of a boyfriend that some other doctor had to save_ your _life while he was in Haiti?"_

"Well, _Alex_ ," she scoffs. "He's busy and he's thousands of miles away. There's not much he can do about it anyway." She explains, trying to reassure herself that she did the right thing by keeping Josh in the dark. "He has enough on his plate without me adding more to it."

" _Uh huh."_ He sarcastically concedes. " _And what about your parents? What do they think about him?"_ He inquires once again, his curiosity making her extremely uncomfortable.

It's not like she can just shut him out. She can't turn around and walk away from the irritating voice that keeps asking her about her personal life, like he has the right to know everything about her just because they share a head.

God, he's annoying!

" _You didn't even mention a boyfriend before; so, I assume your Dad doesn't approve? Or maybe it's your mom who doesn't like Mr. Doctor Without Borders... Oh, wait! Have they even met him yet?"_

"Oh, damn it, stop it!" she grits out through clenched teeth. "Can you please stop?! The fact that you are stuck in my head doesn't mean you have any right to pry into my life! I understand you don't have anything better to do, but just leave it alone." She barks, dryly, her breathing getting labored. "And, don't you _ever_ mention my mother again."

And then she breaks. Tears run down her cheeks and nose, soaking her pillow as she cries and cries, gasping for breath, sobbing silently in her hospital room. She cries for her prematurely deceased mom, because of the crash that almost killed her, because of the weirdo stuck in her head… because of everything.

" _I'm sorry about your mom."_ she hears the soft whisper and somehow, it takes just a little of the weight off her shoulders. " _And I'm sorry for everything I've said."_

She sniffles and brushes away the tears from her face, sighing loudly. "It's okay." She murmurs, hugging her pillow against her chest. "Let's just sleep, ok? Goodnight."

She closes her eyes and falls into darkness.

* * *

His hand is soft and warm. His face is calm and peaceful, and if it wasn't for the countless tubes and wires surrounding him, she could pretend that he is just asleep and will wake up any moment.

She misses him so much.

Her grandmother snakes a hand around her waist and pulls her closer, leaning her head against hers. "Come on, kiddo. We will be back here tomorrow, first thing in the morning."

Alexis shakes her head stubbornly. "I just feel like I'm letting him down if I leave him like this." she explains, wiping another tear off her cheek.

"Oh no, honey! Don't think like that!" Martha turns her around so she can look her in the eye. "Your father loves you, darling. He would be the first to tell you, that there is nothing you can do here at the moment and that you need to eat properly and sleep in an actual bed."

Alexis complies, though reluctantly and leans above her father to kiss his cheek softly.

"Goodnight, daddy. I'll see you tomorrow."

It happens so suddenly, that she thinks she might have imagined it. A quirk of his mouth, his lips curling upwards just a bit, and then it's gone.

"Gram, look! He –he just smiled!" She calls.

"What?!"

"Dad's lip just twitched, as if he was trying to smile! And his brow quirked slightly, like when he is surprised or really amused!"

"Oh, darling! Are you sure you haven't imagined it? I know that you want your father to wake up so badly, but.."

"I am sure, gram! Let's go call a nurse. Please!" She implores when she notices the pitying look her grandmother is giving her.

Lissy, the floor nurse, isn't surprised at all, though, when the sweet, red-headed girl runs into the on call room, urgent and excited, to tell her that her father's lips twitched.

"Alexis, honey, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there is nothing unusual in that."

"But he -"

"He is healing, sweetie. And his brain is asleep, but still very much active. So it's no wonder this activity shows from time to time. But that doesn't mean you should lose hope. I'm sure everything may change any second."

At her side, Martha gives the nurse an understanding smile and tugs on the girl's arm, directing her towards the elevator. They leave, without saying another word.

* * *

She wakes up to a cheerful " _Good morning!"_ from her invisible companion that makes her grin sleepily, until he starts apologizing again for the events of the night before.

She rolls in bed, facing the ceiling, and rubs her face with both hands, trying to wipe away the remaining sleepiness. "I told you, Alex. It's okay. Just try to keep your mouth shut for more than five minutes... If that's even possible for you." She lets out playfully.

" _Ok. Fair enough."_ He concedes. " _I promise... To try, that is."_

She can't help rolling her eyes at that.

"Good." She mumbles, sitting up and pressing the controller to lift the head of the bed up. "Now, I'm going to call the nurse, so you better be quiet while she is here. I don't want anyone to think that I have gone nuts."

"Ok, but may I -"

"No."

"It's just so…"

"I said no. Not a word."

She finally presses the button and not even 20 seconds later, Maggie, her favorite nurse, comes in, greeting her with a smile.

"Good morning, sweetheart. Did you have a good night sleep?" The woman asks, approaching her bed and taking out a thermometer from her chest pocket. "Open up."

Kate opens her mouth and gets the thermometer stuck under her tongue, making it very difficult to talk. "I shlephth gweat, fank you."

Alex lets out a giggle and she stiffens, clearing her throat to make her brain-partner shut up.

Maggie removes the thermometer and smiles at her, putting it back in her pocket and writing her temperature down on her little pink notebook.

"I was wondering if I could get up to the bathroom today?" She asks, hopeful as she brushes a matted lock of hair out of her face. "I haven't showered in forever and the doctor said they were going to remove the urinary catheter this morning."

Maggie nods. "Yes, we will do it now, then I think it's ok for you to go shower. I'll be back in a second with help to remove that."

* * *

They remove the catheter in no time. Kate was worried that it would hurt, but it is practically painless. Just a weird sensation when they pulled the tube out, and that was all.

Once they're done, Cathy, the other nurse, walks out of the room and lets Maggie help Kate to the bathroom.

"Ok, hun. Here we go!"

They enter the bathroom side by side, which makes getting through the door a little bit more complicated. Kate leans most of her weight on the nurse, who is holding her by the waist, leading her into the tiny room.

Once inside, she stops at the mirror, wincing when she catches a glimpse of herself.

She doesn't like the person looking back at her. She can barely recognize herself in this thin, pale-faced creature with dark shadows under her eyes and a large bandage covering the gash on her forehead. It's weird, but she's not ready to see herself like this. Not ready at all.

"Oh, God! I look like a corpse!" She groans, turning her face away from the offending reflection "I should have skipped the mirror part."

" _Are you kidding me? You are gorgeous!"_ She hears Alex whisper in genuine awe.

She startles at his words, the sincerity in them making her cheeks get hot, which doesn't go unnoticed by Maggie.

"Are you in pain, dear? Should I ask the doctor to give you more pain killers?"

"No, it's fine, Maggie." She tries to smile through clenched teeth. "Just misplaced my foot slightly, no big deal."

"Well, you better take it easy, your knee is still very weak, you can't put weight on it, ok?" The nurse advises, tugging on her sleeve to move her to the toilet. "I'll help you to the toilet and then I will go get you some crutches so you can move around. Press that red button over the sink if you need me."

Kate nods and gives the woman a tight smile before she rests her weight on the wall. "Yeah, ok. Thanks."

"There you go, honey."

Maggie closes the bathroom door behind herself, leaving it a crack open, just in case.

Kate gets ready to use the bathroom, sits down on the toilet, minding her damaged knee, and that's when she remembers that she is not actually alone.

"Um. Alex? You there?" She asks, chewing on her lower lip nervously.

" _Duh."_

Kate huffs wearily. "I need some privacy."

" _Yeah, I would turn around and cover my ears, but I don't have a body, remember?"_ He counters, smugly. " _But… I can't see or hear if you can't either…"_

"So what do you suggest?" She asks, mildly annoyed. "That I turn the lights off and cover my ears?"

Alex chuckles. "Of course not! You could just close your eyes…"

"UGH! I hate you!"

"Kate? Everything ok in there?" She hears Maggie ask through the door gap. "Do you need any help?"

"No, thanks. I'm fine." She replies in a rush, covering her ears with her hands. "This is ridiculous."

Once she's done with the toilet, she uncovers her ears and calls Alex again. "Ok, genius" She scoffs. "How do you suggest I shower with my eyes closed?"

* * *

She's out of the shower and struggling to put on her hospital robe with her eyes closed when she hears hushed whispers from the other side of the door. She's just finishing getting dressed, when someone knocks.

" _Who is it?"_ Alex asks dumbfounded.

Kate smiles and braces herself against the bathroom door letting out a "come in!" and then answering Alex quietly. "That'd be my team at the 12th. You've met them before."

The door opens slowly, just a fraction, Ryan's head popping in through the tiny gap.

"Beckett?" he asks, his eyes squeezed shut, "Mind if we come in?"

"Ugh, for God's sake, Ryan!" She hears Lanie's voice, moments before her best friend walks into the room, her tiny form filling the space as if she were a giant. "She doesn't bite! Much..."

"Nah." Kate jokes, signaling Lanie to help her move back to the bed. "I've already had my breakfast."

" _Let me guess – this queen of sass must be your best friend?"_

It takes them a minute to get her back in bed, nice and warm. Her leg is throbbing and her ribs are killing her, but talking to real people instead of some a random voice in her head feels great for a change.

Esposito takes a seat on the little couch in the corner, looking at her sheepishly. "So… you feeling okay today, Beckett?" He asks cautiously. "Our last visit didn't end that well."

"Oh, about that… I am sorry, guys. Last time I was just a little… out of it." She looks at the boys in apology. "I didn't mean for you to leave like that."

"Yeah, well…" Lanie chimes in. "Be happy I wasn't here, girl. I would have liked to see you try to kick _me_ out!"

" _Oh, now I wish_ I _could have seen that!"_ Alex adds chuckling.

The fact that she doesn't even roll her eyes at him makes her oddly proud.

"So, how is the precinct? Solved any interesting cases without me?"

"Not really." Ryan shrugs. "Just the usual."

"Seriously, bro? A body hidden in a closet at a television show set with an axe lodged in her back is the usual for you?"

" _Ooh, that is interesting!"_

"Oh, yes! You would have loved it, Kate!" Lanie suddenly exclaims, remembering. "Weren't you a 'Temptation Lane' fan when you were little?"

"Oh, God!" Kate whines. "That was a _very_ long time ago, Lanie!"

The voice in her head laughs shamelessly. "' _Temptation Lane'? Really?! My mother used to- Actually... never mind."_ He cuts himself, making her slightly curious.

Eh… she can ask him later.

"Anyway," Esposito adds. "You would have loved it. It was a 'Beckett-flavoured' one."

" _Beckett-flavoured? Can I assume you like the kinky ones, detective?"_

She barely contains the smirk, but no one in the room notices and they carry on with the conversation.

They discuss the axe case, and then, the new one they've just caught – a poisoned juror – for some more. It almost makes her forget about her injuries, except for the times her friends make her laugh too hard and she has to take a deep breath, clutching at her ribs. Alex's inputs don't help the situation either.

"Anyway, where's Montgomery? Is he going to come by, or what?"

Ryan clears his throat and nods towards the door. "Oh, yes, he is actually waiting in the corridor, right now."

"Yeah," Espo adds solemnly. " He said he didn't want to overcrowd the place and that he'd rather talk to you in private."

Kate winces. Not even her injuries or having been in a coma will save her from a good scolding from her boss.

"Think there's still time for me to fake sleep?"

" _Oh wow, is he really that scary?"_

"All right, boys!" Lanie cuts in, shooing the two men towards the door. "Why don't you go hang out with your Captain out there, try to calm him down a bit? Me and my girl here need a moment."

Lanie practically shoves both detectives outside, glaring at Esposito when he tries to turn around and closing the door in their faces.

"Oh, girl, I was so scared!" She exhales, rushing to the bed, meaning to hug her friend, but opting for a gentle hand squeeze, instead.

"You are so damn lucky that bomb didn't go off. I-"

"I know." Kate cuts her off, squeezing her friend's hand and giving her a watery smile. "I'm fine, Lanie. I'm here."

"I know! It was just so hard… Your dad broke my heart the first night. He was so worried, girl. We all were."

Kate bites her lip a little bit embarrassed. She had gone rogue on that case and it almost killed her. "Oh, Lanie, I'm so sorry. I never meant to-"

"Hey, it was not your fault. You were doing your job."

Kate chuckles, shaking her head. "Yeah, tell that to Montgomery…"

"You know that man adores you, Kate. You're his best detective." Lanie reassures her. "Anyway, everyone at the precinct and the OCME is waiting for you to come back. Even Perlmutter misses you."

"Oh, really?" She snorts incredulously. "Perlmutter?"

"Uh huh." Lanie nods her head. "Even though he tries not to show it."

" _Huh,"_ Alex intervenes _. "I assume he is the least popular guy out there? Some fat, hairy nerd, everyone pranks from time to time?"_

"Oh, God, no!" Kate laughs, luckily fitting it in with her conversation with Lanie.

A few silent seconds go by. Lanie is still holding her hand and she pulls on it to make her friend look back at her.

Bad idea…

"By the way, what about Josh?" Lanie asks, wincing when Kate takes her hand back, rolling her eyes.

"What about him?" She asks in a clipped tone. "He's in Haiti."

" _Ooh. This is about to get interesting."_

Kate clenches her teeth and sighs wishing there was a body to go with that voice so she could strangle him.

"So?" Lanie asks when she noticed her friend's lack of response. "Have you talked to him?"

"I did, last night."

She goes silent again.

"And?"

"And he's busy saving lives."

"Wait a second!" Lanie starts, "You tell that guy that you've been in a coma, that you were almost blown up by a dirty bomb, and the jerk doesn't deign to come back?"

"Oh, wow, Lane, no. I... " She chews on her lower lip nervously. "I didn't tell him."

"You WHAT?" The ME screams. "Katherine Beckett, what the hell do you think you are doing?"

" _And you feared Montgomery? This one's scary as hell!"_

"Lanie, listen, it's complicated, ok? I just don-"

"You don't what, Kate? You can't keep something like this from him! You think he's not going to find out when he comes back?"

She nods, defeated. "Yes, I know."

"Look, girl. You better make up that mind of yours. You can't keep people at an arm's length forever. It will only hurt you and the ones you're keeping away."

A soft knock breaks the tension that had been building in the room, making both look at the door and smile when Captain Montgomery pokes his head through the gap.

"Can I come in?"

* * *

 **Thanks to Tshlw for proof reading and editing. You rock!**

 **Thank you all for reading. Let us know what you think! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

 **-Home sweet home? -**

* * *

"Can I come in?"

Her captain doesn't wait for their response. He steps into the room, without saying anything else. The look on his face makes Kate squirm in her bed. She knows she disobeyed their main rule - no operations without backup. But that day… She couldn't just stay and do nothing. The need to get into action and do all she could to protect her city took control of her, and she royally messed up.

"Of course, Sir. Lanie was just leaving."

The ME nods and stands up, walking out the door without saying another word.

" _Hmm. That's it? This guy must be something else for her to leave without complaint."_

Kate just ignores him, but a slight smirk curves the corner of her lips.

Roy stands beside the bed for a while, staring at her; his expression neutral, unreadable.

" _Wow"_ she hears Alex whisper. " _If this guy plays poker, I bet he never goes home empty."_

Oh, yes. And she got to learn it first hand. More than once. But now her thoughts are as far from poker as ever.

"So, Detective Beckett." Montgomery finally starts. "I won't waste my breath reminding you things you already know."

His speech is calm and well-paced and it feels much worse than the storm she has anticipated. She expected yelling, and reproving looks and maybe even suspension, but instead, he just takes a deep breath, and continues, his voice steady, but each word making her cringe inside, even though he is not shouting at her.

"I'm not going to circle around this room, with foam at my mouth, reminding my best detective the rules she should know by heart already. I will not call you reckless or irresponsible or tell you how extremely lucky you are to be breathing right now, because defusing a bomb is neither your damn job, nor your responsibility!"

" _You were trying to stop the bomb? What are you, some kind of female Rambo?"_

Kate has to bite her lip to stop herself from scoffing in front of her seriously aggravated boss. This guy needs to learn what timing is.

Roy pauses, and she sees so much more than anger then. It's disappointment and fear at the same time - the odd mixture she had experienced herself a long time ago.

"I just expect you to remember all this the next time you decide to go rogue. If not for yourself, at least for the people who care about you." He pauses again to massage his temple and take a deep breath. "If that bomb hadn't been defective…"

"I know, Sir. I'm sorry." She apologizes, looking him straight in the eye, meaning every word.

"You scared me sick, Beckett." He sighs. "So, yeah – It's good to see you alive."

She smiles softly and nods. "Thank you, Captain."

"You are welcome. "

He finally gives her a smirk, leaning his back on the nearest wall, the tension between them slowly dissipating.

"Now, how do you feel? What do the doctors say?"

She huffs. "What everybody here keeps saying. That I'm really lucky-"

"Well, you are." Montgomery adds, arching an eyebrow at her. "What else?"

"That I should take it easy for a couple of months, at least –"

"Uh-huh."

"They also recommended physical therapy and introduced me to a psychiatrist."

The captain nods. "Fine. Don't see a problem there." he shrugs.

"No. No problem, Sir. I just thought... I'd like to get back to work as soon as-"

"Work? Are you kidding, Beckett? I'm sorry, but that's not an option for you. Not until you are back to 100%."

She knows he's right. She can't even stand on her feet right now if not for the crutches, and she hurts all over; she just can't imagine being out of the precinct for more than a couple of weeks, and that's already a long time.

She knows it's in vain, but she has to try. "I didn't mean the field part, just maybe desk du-."

"That's not possible either. Psych eval, remember?"

"But, Sir-" She tries again. A last desperate attempt to prove her point.

"No buts, Beckett. You've gone too far this time, so you'll have to deal with the consequences."

"Okay, fine…" She huffs defeated. "Whatever you say, _sir._ " She sighs.

"Good." Roy chuckles. "That said, I don't want you in my precinct until you are fully functioning." He adds, winking at her and stepping towards the door. "Take care, detective."

With this, he leaves, closing the door after himself, only to poke his head back inside five seconds later.

"Oh, by the way – Evelyn says 'hi'"

She doesn't know whether to be thankful or annoyed, the cheer in Alex's voice not helping at all.

" _Well, he is fun. A bit scary, but still fun."_

She can't wait to get out of here.

* * *

" _Maybe I'm dead."_ Alex chimes, distracting her from her reading for the thousandth time.

"What?"

" _Maybe I am dead."_ He repeats.

Kate closes her book and huffs. "Yeah, I heard that…" She blurts annoyed. "What do you mean, exactly?"

" _Well, I can't be seen, or heard, I don't have a body… I am probably just a ghost only you can hear."_ He says, his voice lowering. " _Like that TV show. Remember?_ 'The Ghost Whisperer'"

"Really? You think this is like TV, Alex? Cause let me tell you, the way you annoy me feels pretty real."

There's a knock on the door and she smirks, putting her book on the side table to her right. "That must be my dad, so you better shut up, ghost."

" _Whatever you say, Melinda…"_

"Katie! Her Dad strides in with a broad grin on his face. "I just talked to your doctor!"

"And?!" she sits up, anticipating some obviously good news.

"They are discharging you tomorrow morning. Pretty good, huh?" his eyebrows raise on his forehead and fall abruptly when he notices her frown. "What's wrong?"

"Why can't I leave today?" She asks fretfully. "They are not going to do anything to me anyway. I can take my meds at home, there's no need for me to be here any longer."

"Katie, the doctor said that another day under their watch wouldn't hurt. Your ribs are still tender and you are way too weak for those crutches yet." Jim explains, his voice soft and patronizing, something that he knows always makes his daughter mad.

Kate purses her lips and raises an eyebrow at him. "Dad, I am not staying here one more day just because. My ribs won't heal magically overnight." She fumes. "And I can handle the crutches perfectly fine, thank you."

"I'm not going to win this, am I?" Her father sighs, shaking his head.

"Nope."

"Fine." Jim complies, at last. "I'm going to find your doctor and get your discharge papers. I'll be right back."

" _Cheer up, Melinda. We're going home!"_

* * *

Martha jabs at the elevator button nervously, willing it to arrive as soon as possible. She needs to get out of this hospital. Now.

It strikes her hard this time, hearing how things seem to have stalled. He's been in a coma for two weeks and there are no changes. His lips twitch from time to time, his eyes move constantly, as if he were dreaming. One of his hands moved the day before, but the doctors said it was normal. Everything is normal, and yet, everything is not.

She's glad she made Alexis go to school this morning. Having her around just to listen to the same discouraging news again would have been the last straw.

She lets out a shaky breath and stiffens when a man stops to wait right beside her. He presses the button again, but he doesn't seem to be as distressed as she is, so she deduces that his rush has nothing to do with the person he was just visiting.

"I just called it." Martha says, courtly. "The damn thing takes the whole day to get up here."

"Yes." He nods, giving her a tight smile. "I know. We've been here for a while."

"Aw…" She assents. "Your wife?"

The man's expression falls, his eyes going dark and his slight smirk erasing from his face. It takes him a second too long to react, but just when Martha is about to ask if he's ok, he answers. "No! No. My… my daughter, actually. She…" He pauses, as if taking his time to think. "Well, she's a cop, so you can figure."

"Oh. Was she shot?" Martha asks, horrified.

The man shakes his head and stabs the button once more. "No. Hit by a car. Well, two cars… It was an accident."

"Oh. My son, too. I think police were involved there, maybe it was the same accident?" She asks intrigued. "When did yours happen?"

"Two weeks ago."

Definitely the same, she thinks. "I hope she gets well soon." Martha tells the man, both stepping into the elevator that has finally arrived.

"Yes, she's leaving today, actually. I have to go get my car so I can take her home." The man explains, putting both hands inside his pockets. "She was supposed to be released tomorrow, but she insisted on leaving today… So stubborn."

Martha laughs softly. "Well, who would want to stay here when it's not strictly necessary, right?"

"Those were her exact words." The man agrees. "What about your son? Is he leaving soon?"

This time it's Martha's smile that fades away, her sight falling to the floor. "No… He's going to be here for a while."

"I see."

The elevator doors open and they both step outside, looking awkwardly at the main door.

"Well, um, nice to meet you…"

"Jim." The man answers, offering his right hand. "Jim Beckett."

She smiles and shakes his hand. "Martha Rodgers."

"I hope you can take your son home soon." Jim wishes, before exiting the building a couple of steps behind her.

* * *

The ride home is a freaking odyssey. Traffic is criminal, her dad tries to do small talk all the time and, apparently, the voice in her head wants to join the conversation. It drives her crazy.

Avoiding her dad's hints at her incapacity is hard enough without her unwanted conscience telling her it's true. She needs a break.

After the longest 55 minutes of her life, they finally arrive at her apartment block and she lets out a long sigh. She can't wait to sleep in her bed, or take a shower in her own bathroom, which would be even better without the voyeur hidden in her head.

" _Well done, Kate, just one little push, we are almost there! I think..."_ Alex encourages, making her clench her teeth.

As if on cue, her dad puts a hand on her lower back and nods towards her apartment door, wincing when she grunts in pain. "Easy, Katie, easy. Don't strain yourself too much."

She is using the crutches for the first time, stumbling and tripping on every other step, while her dad hovers around, ready to prevent the fall.

And of course, there's the constant cheerleader she can't possibly get rid of.

"I'm fine, Dad, thanks." she mutters through gritted teeth "Do you have the keys, please?"

Jim opens the door wide and steps inside before her, guiding her towards the couch. She has never been happier to see her home again. Ever.

" _Wow, nice place you got here!"_

She can't help but smile. The weirdo has manners. And taste.

Encouraged by his words, Kate keeps going, ignoring her dad and heading to the kitchen stove. Unfortunately, one of her crutches chooses this moment to lose its balance, and she would definitely have ended up on the floor, if her father were not fast enough to catch her.

" _Wow! That was close!"_

"Where do you think you are going?!" Her father demands, breathlessly.

"The kitchen." She huffs. "I wanted to make some tea, at least."

" _You must really like tea if you're willing to die for it..."_ Alex squeaks.

Jim frowns and snorts. "I can make the tea, Katie. After I help you to settle down on the couch. Come on."

She feels like a little girl being scolded by her father. It's ridiculous. She's 31, she can take good care of herself. "Thanks, Dad, but I can walk on my own. After all, I'm not a complete invalid!"

Her eyes stab her father's and he finally concedes, stepping away from her. "As you like it. I'll go make the tea." Jim adds, heading to the kitchen, clearly hurt.

" _He needs it even more than you do, you know."_ Alex scolds, and she can see his faceless form shaking his head at her disappointedly.

Kate humphs indignantly, even though she knows he is right. Her dad needs to feel needed. He just wants to help. The thought makes her resume her efforts in reaching the kitchen. Both to apologize, and have a peaceful talk with a cup of tea.

She sends Jim away after a couple of hours, claiming that she needs to rest and that she will be capable of doing simple things without his constant supervision. He leaves, reluctantly, accepting a promise from her to be more careful.

Once he's out the door, she relaxes on her couch with the second cup of tea and sighs. Alone at last.

" _Okay, so… what's next?"_

Or maybe not...

* * *

During the next few days her home becomes a nightmare come true. She can't walk, she can't shower properly without help and even getting in and out of bed is just plain difficult.

Lanie comes by every day after work and helps her with the shower part, which is actually nice, until she starts interrogating her about Josh and she has to practically kick her out, every single night. Her dad brings her food during his lunch breaks at work and insists on eating with her, just so she doesn't have to do it on her own, although she suspects he's the one who needs the company. And the boys keep calling and dropping by whenever they have a spare minute to talk to her about cases she can't work.

She's never alone. Ever. Not even when she is.

Her imaginary friend, as she has started to think of him, never stops talking. She recognizes that the guy can tell some amazing stories, but most of the time she just wants him to stop being imaginary, just so she can put her hands around his neck and squeeze.

It frustrates her to no end. She can't control it, she can't make it stop and that drives her insane. She just wants him gone before she starts going crazy for real. Although, maybe it's already too late for that?

She can't wait for physical therapy to start, so she can let out all that pent up frustration. At least she will have something to do with her time, besides playing scrabble with a sore loser of a ghost.

* * *

 **A/N: This one is a bit shorter, but life's been a b**** this week. Stacy got sick, I've been working crazy hours and my dog died on Monday, so excuse the delay and the shorter chapter. Thank you!**

 **Thanks for reading! Let us know what you think.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 **\- Come and find me -**

* * *

She's excited when she starts Physical Therapy. After a couple of weeks at home doing absolutely nothing but mourn her temporarily lost of self-sufficiency, just getting out of her apartment for a couple of hours feels like heaven on Earth.

She stops a cab right in front of her building, struggling to get inside with the cumbersome crutches, and earning a side glare from the cabbie when she hits the glass screen with one of them.

" _Who would have thought that getting inside a cab could be so hard."_ Alex says lively.

"Shut up." She mumbles through clenched teeth as she fastens her seatbelt.

"Okay, lady. Where to?"

* * *

She groans in pain and frustration, letting her leg descend back to the mat softly, trying not to hurt herself more than necessary.

She hates this. Her third session and she's practically crying in pain. Her knee is sore, her muscles hurt all over, and she feels like she'll never walk without those crutches ever again.

Roger, her therapist, keeps telling her that it's still early, that it'll be a couple of months until she can walk without help, probably six months until she gains complete mobility, and to her, that is just insane. How is she going to requalify for work if she can't walk properly? There is no way she will spend several months at home doing nothing but staring at the wall.

"Ok, Kate. Let's do one more round." Roger commands, taking her ankle in his hands and pulling her leg up, as he bends her knee slowly. "We will add some weight to it tomorrow. That will help you build some muscle back."

She gasps, her eyes falling closed when he presses harder to bend the knee completely. "Weights?"

" _What?"_ Alex chimes in. " _This guy's insane."_

Roger chuckles and helps her extend her leg and rest it back on the mat, just to start pulling it up again seconds later. "I thought you wanted to get back on your feet ASAP, detective. But we can take it slow."

"No!" She cries, clenching her teeth. "We'll add weight tomorrow. I can do it."

" _Kate? Are you sure?"_

A loud grunt serves as her response while she keeps following her exercises, beads of sweat forming on her skin.

She will get this done in record time. She has to.

Her lower lip starts trembling when the therapist bends her leg even further and she feels her knee start to burn. Her hand hits the mat repeatedly and he lets go, his eyes searching hers, concerned.

"Are you ok? Did that hurt?"

She nods, barely holding the tears back. "Just a tad."

The man arcs an eyebrow at her, obviously not believing a single word and nods. "I'm afraid the weights will have to wait. We can't risk your ligaments breaking again."

"But I-."

"Uh uh." Roger stops her, getting up from the matted floor and looking down at her. "Sorry, Kate, but if you want a full recovery, we need to wait. Now, let me take you home."

* * *

The very moment Kate hears her apartment door slam closed, she slumps on the couch and lets out a helpless groan, clutching at her throbbing legs.

" _Hey. Are you okay?"_

She snorts and ignores him, massaging her aching knee softly, her fingers deftly avoiding the incision areas from her surgery.

" _Kate?"_

"You don't want to ask that question, Alex." She chuckles mirthlessly. "Trust me, right now, you should better shut up, altogether."

 _"O-kay..."_ he agrees, meekly. _"But, um, from personal experience, I know talking_ _it out makes a problem much easier and, well,_ _since I'm already here..."_

"Oh, for God's sake!" Kate snaps, trying to get up from the couch abruptly and falling back down when her legs fail her. "You don't get a hint, do you? Just. Shut. Up!"

She sits up straight, cursing at yet another jolt of pain. "I am obviously not okay! I'm exhausted and which is more – I am mad!"

" _I'm sorry. I jus-."_

"No. You'll hear me out now." She yells, feeling a bit ridiculous, arguing with an invisible counterpart. "I am mad, ok? I am freaking mad, because I have a job I need to get back to and my stupid leg is not cooperating, and it hurts like hell to just try and stand on my own two feet. I am mad because I can't be alone even if I want to be!." She's panting now, her breathing labored and shaky, but she braces herself and keeps going. "And you know why, Alex? Because I happen to hear VOICES in my head. AND I talk to them! I am mad because I am freaking tired of this! I want you to leave me alone!"

" _But,Kate! I-"_

"No! I want my life back and I just want you to disappear and leave me the fuck alone. Just. Leave. Me. Alone!"

She is still breathing heavily, but she lets herself fall against the cushions as she waits for some kind of witty response from him but nothing ever comes.

"What?! You finally decided to shut up?" She rasps grumpily.

No answer.

"Alex?" Kate calls again, trying to keep her breathing even so she can listen carefully. "Are you there?"

Nothing.

For the first time in days, her home is blissfully silent. She can't believe her stupid blow off worked. He's gone. The ghost is gone and she's finally alone.

She is free.

It takes her a while to actually realize that everything is back to normal again, and the mixed feelings that assault her make the moment bittersweet.

After a few minutes of enjoying the unusual peace and quiet, she heads to the kitchen and lets herself relax with a mug full of hot tea and a couple of cherry gummy bears -some left overs from her dad's visit that afternoon

Lanie calls after dinner and they chat for a while, until the ME has to get back to work. She's glad she doesn't have to avoid more Josh related questions. It's bad enough trying to explain the situation to herself.

* * *

Her silent bliss doesn't last long. Soon enough, boredom and the lack of action start driving her up the wall. It's no surprise she doesn't know what to do with herself. She hasn't actually taken any time off before - not counting the weekends, and that time she got a sprained ankle while chasing a perp and had to stay home for 3 days until she could actually walk again.

The boys have got a fresh case, so they can't come and visit her, the fact making her feel lonely and jealous at the same time. The PT sessions with Rodger are a nice, although a painful distraction, but they are not enough. She misses being useful, misses the feeling of self-satisfaction she experiences every time they close a case, bringing justice to the victims and their families. She misses being Detective Beckett.

She hates to admit it, but she misses Alex, too. Sure he was a "nine year old on a sugar rush" most of the time, and shooting him had become one of her daily fantasies, but still... She got used to his constant presence. Recovery was hard and exhausting but he made it easier. Much more fun.

So, on the sixth day, after debating with herself for hours, she hobbles out on her crutches, catches a cab and gives the driver the address of her precinct.

* * *

"Come in!" Montgomery calls from the other side of his office door.

Kate takes a deep breath and nods at L.T., who smiles in encouragement before opening the door for her.

"Good morning, Captain!" She says, feeling much less confident, than she sounds and taking one painful, and slow, step after the other, until she reaches the chairs in front of his desk, but doesn't sit down.

"Detective Beckett." Her mentor sighs, sitting straight in his chair to look at her. "What exactly do you think you are you doing here?"

Here it is, the question of the day. How many times has she heard it since she arrived here? Three? Or maybe five. She's lost count already.

Her boss keeps looking at her expectantly, with folded arms and raised eyebrows, and she suddenly has the nagging feeling, that he is not actually surprised.

"Well?" He demands.

"Um…" She takes another awkward step towards his desk. "Sir, would you mind, if I sit down first? It's not really comfortable to stand like this." She explains sheepishly.

Ugh. She can't help but think that Alex would be very amused right now, probably making fun of her, or Montgomery, or both. Yeah. Most probably both.

When she is finally settled, they stare at each other for a moment, both of them clearly waiting for the other to speak first.

She is the first to give in.

"Sir, I-uh… " She stutters, her hands playing with the ends of her shirt on her lap. "I wanted to ask you for a favor..."

Yes, that's right. Straight to the business.

Montgomery smirks and nods. "Okay. I'm listening."

"I want to come back to work" She goes on, not letting him interrupt her. "I know you said that I'm not allowed at work, until I'm fully recovered, and I am aware that I need to pass the psych eval first, but -"

"But what?" He manages to cut in. "Disobeying my orders has become your new hobby, detective?

"No, not at all!" Beckett protests in a rush. "I- I don't know how to do this, sir."

"Do what?" Her boss demands again, quirking his brow in confusion.

"The staying at home thing. I can't spend weeks wandering around my apartment, reading fancy magazines and watching stupid reality shows. It's degrading and simply boring."

She knows she's whining like a little child and she hates it, but it's the ugly truth. She can't be home alone for at least 8 more weeks. Having to deal with loneliness for so long would drive her insane.

"So," the Captain drawls out "You want me to break the rules and risk my head in front of the Commissioner, just so you could have some entertainment?"

She shakes her head and sighs. "Sir, I know I have no right to ask you that, but I really need a job. Literally, any job. I'm just going crazy these days and I need you to save me, so could you please -"

Beckett stops in the middle of her rambling, when she sees the man in front of her trying hard to keep himself from laughing.

"What?!"

"Sorry," the man chuckles "It's just funny to watch you beg, when in fact you never needed to."

"What… What do you mean I didn't?" Now it's her turn to be confused.

"Oh, come on, Beckett. I am even surprised that you lasted this long. To be honest, I was expecting you here the day after you were released from the hospital."

Come to think of it, she would have done exactly that, if she hadn't been busy with other… things.

"What I mean to say," Montgomery continues " is that you have my permission to come back to work. From your desk, that is. And, honestly, with the case the boys are working at the moment, a fresh pair of eyes and an extra brain will come in handy."

They chat for a couple more minutes, as the captain fills her in on the case they are dealing with and hands her some files for her to read. She is eager as ever to have some action, but just when she's about to walk out of the office, something comes to mind.

"Captain?" She asks hesitantly. "What about the Commissioner?"

"Oh," He smirks, waving her off. "Don't worry about him. He owes me one."

* * *

The case the boys are dealing with is a hard one - Beckett flavoured, as they would say - and she hates having to stay at the precinct with nothing but her crutches as company, when they are out there chasing a serial killer.

Three victims found so far - one male, two females, each presented in some kind of ritualistic pose. Multiple stab wounds, contusions all over the body, circle of candles completing the scene. Each of the victims has a strange symbol, carved on their foreheads. According to their database, some kind of Japanese hieroglyph for "lies".

In all three cases, the scene is some abandoned place, discovered only by accident days, or like in their last victim's case, weeks after the murder.

She sighs and puts down the report she's read at least three times since Montgomery gave it to her two hours ago. It's too complicated. They have nothing yet. No DNA, no prints, no other link between the victims but the horrible way they died.

She flips through the pages and finds the crime scene pictures. The first one is not especially disturbing, but the next one, the one of the second victim half eaten by rats… It makes her stomach twist.

" _Oh, my god! That is disgusting!"_ She hears, the screechy sound making her startle in her chair, her hands closing around the desk edge to keep herself from rolling away from it.

"WHAT TH-"

A few pairs of curious eyes land on her, but she covers her mouth with her hand and grabs for her crutches, ignoring the confused looks on her colleagues' faces.

"Wha-. Ho-. Wh-." She starts, not knowing even what to ask. "What the hell, Alex!" She finally lets out, once she's inside the break room, away from prying eyes.

" _What?"_ He whines, sounding genuinely confused. " _It_ was _really gross!"_

Kate groans and lets herself lean into one of the bar stools, sighing when the pressure on her knee recedes a little bit.

"You were gone." She fumes accusingly, not knowing how to deal with her mixed up feelings.

" _You asked me to leave you alone."_ Alex explains. " _So, I did."_

"I thought… You -. You were there the whole time?"

" _Yep."_

"And… You heard..." Her eyes go to her captain's office, which is now empty.

" _Uh huh."_

"Oh, god!" She blurts in sudden realization, covering her face with her hands in embarrassment. "You _saw_ everything! You sneaky basta-."

" _Kate, I-"_

"Yo, Beckett! You alright?"

Esposito is standing at the door, looking puzzled and apparently concerned with her odd behavior.

"Yeah. I'm - I'm fine." She tries to reassure him. "You got anything on your canvassing?"

The detective still looks suspicious, but he lets it slide, for once.

"We found a witness." He nods "Ryan is in interrogation 2 with him right now. I thought you'd want to watch?"

Ah. The downside of being an invalid. She has to step aside and watch, while the others play the major part.

" _Don't know about you, Beckett, but I so want to watch this."_ Alex chimes in.

"Of course, you do." She mutters to herself.

Esposito furrows his brows at her. "Sorry?"

"I said, "of course I do." Lead the way." She starts following her partner and shakes her head.

Espo throws another funny look at her, but only turns around and walks towards the interrogation rooms where Ryan is already questioning their witness.

"I can't believe you are still here" she hisses, as soon as the other detective is out of earshot.

" _I know, Kate. I missed you too."_

* * *

Montgomery makes her leave right after the clock strikes six, refusing to take "no" for an answer. He even orders a uniform to take her home, so she doesn't have to take a cab. This, to tell the truth, she is thankful for because, financial issues aside, her crutches have been getting less and less appealing by the minute. All she wants is to crash on her couch with some Chinese takeout and a glass of good red wine. After a day like this one, she more than deserves it.

" _Home, sweet home."_ Alex declares happily, the moment Kate locks the door to her apartment. " _Hell of a day, huh?"_

"Oh, please!" she scoffs. "What exactly are you tired of – annoying me?"

" _Oh, I actually had fun today!"_ he throws back, almost giddily. " _Apart from the paperwork. Do you guys really have to do that? It's tedious!"_

Kate only hums distractedly as she dials her favorite Chinese restaurant. A little place only two blocks away from her apartment.

The time her food needs to arrive is just enough for her to get to the bedroom and change into something more comfortable. This process has become rather tricky these days, what with all her injuries and muscles still sore from her last PT session. Not to mention the everyday struggle with crutches. She starts by cautiously tugging at the hem of her blouse, when she remembers.

"Alex!" She calls, her voice high pitched.

" _Yes?"_ He replies nervously, as if sensing what exactly she wants to talk about.

She hums and licks her lips, then sits on her bed, leaving her shirt on. "So... The last few days… You watched while I changed clothes?"

" _I-uh. Well, it was- I... "_ Good. At least, he has the decency to stutter.

"Just – yes or no?" She asks again, her tone harder.

" _I… Yes, but-"_

"Uh uh. No buts." She argues, pursing her lips. "And you watched as I showered, you pervert!" She adds, no question marking her words now.

" _Kate, it was inev-"_

"And when I used the bathroom! Oh my god!" She continues, ignoring him and getting more worked up by the second. "You didn't say anything. This is mortifying!"

" _Okay, yes! But it's not like I could help it, you know? Whatever you see, I see. How do you expect me to avoid that?"_ He whines, finally managing to cut in. " _And, for the record, you still keep your eyes closed most of the time, so I didn't get to see much anyway."_

"Oh my god. Did you just sound disappointed?"

" _Hey! Can't blame a guy from wanting to see a sexy girl naked…"_ He counters, making her roll her eyes in disapproval.

"Ugh. You're a pig."

She resumes taking off her shirt, her eyes closed, and as she removes the garment and drops it on her bed, she hears him huff. " _And you are gorgeous."_

She doesn't smirk because he thinks she is gorgeous. Absolutely not.

* * *

" _Don't you ever cook?"_ He suddenly asks, just as she is serving her simple dinner on the coffee table.

"I beg your pardon?"

" _I mean, I know that now it's kinda out of the question."_ He backtracks. " _But judging by the styrofoam temple I get to see in your refrigerator, you don't seem to be a cooking person."_

Kate can't help rolling her eyes at that "I can cook, alright, if that's what you are asking. But –" She pauses to uncork the wine bottle, which lets out a satisfying "pop" and then pours a generous amount into her glass. "Present condition aside, my job can be exhausting, draining even, and not only physically. What you saw today doesn't even count."

" _I see."_ He falls silent for a few seconds, only to speak the moment she takes her glass from the coffee table. " _Speaking of your present condition, though…"_

"What about it?" She mumbles lazily, about to take a sip of wine.

" _If I'm not mistaken, your meds don't really go well with alcohol."_

"Shit." She blurts in frustration, practically dropping the glass back on the coffee table, and almost spilling its contents all over the place.

"Damn, I have been dreaming about it the whole afternoon..."

" _Yeah… I get it. I miss wine too."_ Alex sighs dreamily. " _And my daughter's special hot chocolate. The smell of coffee in the morning. My mother's perfume… Books. I miss the smell of books."_ He takes a moment, probably trying to put his thoughts together. " _I miss the feeling of my carpet floors under my feet. And showers! Oh, man, I so miss showers…"_

"Wow!" Kate exclaims, her brows knotted above her eyes. "I am so sorry, Alex."

" _About what?"_

"Your life." She explains. "I keep complaining about me, about how much I hate my actual situation, but I never stopped to think about what you lost. So yeah, I am sorry."

A soft _"t_ _hank you."_ is the only reply she gets.

She doesn't want to push. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything. Things are already hard enough for both of them, and she has no idea how to talk about something that serious with him. It has been a little over 5 weeks, although she spent almost two of them in a coma, but they are still complete strangers after all.

Unwillingly discarding her glass of wine, she reaches for one of the cardboard containers and opens it, taking a deep breath of her sweet and sour pork and digging into it with gusto.

"Mmmm. Oh my god, this is amazing."

She hears him chuckle, but he doesn't say anything. Not until she's done eating and grabs the TV remote to turn it on.

" _Um, Kate?"_

"Yeah?"

He sighs, long and loud. " _I need to ask you for a favor."_

That catches her off guard, but she nods and waits for him. "Ok, what is it?"

" _Well, it's been a few weeks, and I still don't know what happened to me. To my family…"_ He pauses and she licks her lips, expectant. " _You're a cop and I thought that, well… Maybe_. _.. "_

"Yes?" She asks, already knowing where he's going.

" _Could you find out what happened to me?"_

TBC

* * *

 **Thanks so much for reading! Let us know what you think.**

 **Thanks to Tshlw for being awesome. Don't know what we'd do without you!**

 **A/N: We know this story's timeline is a little bit confusing. If you need us to clarify anything for you, please don't doubt on PMing me.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 **-Questions and answers -**

* * *

It's not even 7 am when she stirs, blinking her eyes groggily at the nightstand clock beside her. It still takes her some time to realize, that the sound pulling her out of her uneven sleep is actually the buzzing of her own phone.

She picks up and runs a hand through her hair, stifling a yawn. "Hello?"

There's some rustling, and then, "Mrs Rodgers? Anything new on Rick?"

Ah. Richard's agent. Getting straight to the point, as usual.

"Paula, good morning, dear." She huffs, scratching the top of her head and sitting on the edge of the bed. "I'm afraid we still don't know when he's going to wake up. There are no changes so far."

"And what do the doctors say?" the woman inquires hurriedly.

"Nothing new." She sighs sadly. "They know as much as we do."

Paula grunts something unintelligible on the other side of the line and she frowns."Pardon, darling? I didn't catch that."

"I said, what should I tell the press? We need to make an official statement, sooner rather than later. It's been over a month, Martha, people will start asking questions soon."

"I thought we came an agreement on that!" Her voice starts to rise in volume of its own accord. "No information to the press, at least until Richard wakes up!"

"But that is impossible!" Paula starts to sound desperate. "He has obligations, a contract. His next book is due in September and he obviously won't be able to finish it on time."

Martha grits her teeth. "And the damn book is the only thing you care about, isn't it?" She asks feeling anger starting to boil inside.

"Oh, god! of course not, Martha!" Paula protests in a beat. "I'm just trying to do my job. What I am saying is that keeping quiet for too long might not be the wisest thing to do. Things could get ugly in the future if we keep this secret for much longer."

"Well, I appreciate your concern, Paula, but we'd like you to wait with that statement for as long as possible. The last thing we need is a bunch of paparazzi at the hospital door every day. We have to think of Alexis too. This is not easy for her either."

"I know…" The agent sighs, taking a couple of minutes to think. "Okay. I'll try to keep it quietfor as long as I can, but as soon as they start speculating, I will have to give them something. Just keep me posted."

"Of course, dear. Will do." She agrees, letting herself fall back into the mattress and relaxing once again. "And thank you."

"Of course, Martha. Talk soon."

She hangs up the phone and puts it back on the night stand, releasing her breath slowly. If only she would get good news today…

* * *

"I can't believe it! Everything about you is classified!" She exclaims, closing the file abruptly and putting it back in its box with a huff.

She has spent half of her lunch time balancing on one leg, as she sifted through the dusty folders in the precinct archives, while trying to ignore Alex with his cheery encouragements and random directions, only to find the word "CLASSIFIED" in bold red print glaring back at her from most of the pages.

 _"What do you mean 'classified'? That's impossible!"_ She hears him whine, obviously confused.

"I have no idea... It's weird. Homeland Security was involved, but you didn't have anything to do with the case… right? I mean, is there anything you want to tell me about? Are you with the feds? Or… hmm a spy, maybe?"

 _"Me?A spy?_ " He laughs wistfully. " _I wish. Actually, I could be…"_ He adds smugly. " _Tall, dark, ruggedly handsome. Pretty smart. Quite plausible, if you ask me."_

She snorts.

" _Or maybe I_ _am some sort of newly developed neuro_ _weapon - "_

"- Planted in my head to drive me crazy? Now, _that_ is plausible." She finishes his thought with a laugh. "Lunchtime is over, James Bond. We need to get back to work. I will ask Montgomery about this later."

 _"Montgomery? Are you sure? I don't want to get you in trouble, Kate, this is getting serious..."_

"Oh, come on! Don't be a drama queen. I'm sure there is an explanation for your name to be a secret. We will find out, Alex. I promise." She comforts him, grabbing her crutches and propping herself upright again. "But now, we really have to go."

* * *

Montgomery doesn't have much else to add to her findings, only the fact that the order to keep the name of this particular citizen secret didn't come from HS, but from the city hall, which makes it even more strange. Her sudden interest about the case and the people involved in it doesn't go unnoticed by her boss, who asks her to leave things alone and mind her own business.

Her captain doesn't know how much 'her business' this is.

She has nothing else to do, but to return to her desk, if only to stare at her notes for the thousandth time, trying to find any connection between the victims. Standing at the murder board for longer than 5 minutes proved to be a tiresome task yesterday, so she took her time to draw a smaller version on a simple sheet of paper.

"What could an accountant, a coach and a social worker possibly have in common?" Kate mutters to herself, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

" _Sounds like a joke, don't you think? An accountant, a coach and a social worker walk into a bar…"_

She's not expecting him to talk and his sudden quip makes her startle, drawing a curious glance from Velasquez, who passes her desk right at that moment.

"Oh my gosh!" She hisses. "Could you please - "

She cuts herself off, looks around and silently writes in her notepad instead.

"Could you please keep your wise-ass remarks for later? I am working."

" _Oh, sorry!"_ He says sheepishly. " _But remember what the witness said yesterday? About the ambulance?"_

"Shut up!" She writes again.

" _Oh, come on, Beckett! You know I could be helpful!" He quips. "An ambulance would be convenient enough to transport a body without raising suspicions."_

"Fine." She mutters, grabbing her pad again and writing down. "Alright, Sherlock, and how can you actually prove the presence of an ambulance in all three scenes? It was dark. The witness didn't see the license plate. And there were no cameras anywhere around the place.

" _Yes, just you didn't check the previous two."_

Kate huffs indignantly and underlines the words "No cameras." for him, pursing her lips in annoyance.

" _Yes."_ He agrees blatantly. " _But what about comparing the footage from the streets closest to the scenes?"_

Okay. That's an idea… Who is this guy?

"Yeah, bu -"

"Hey, Beckett!" Esposito calls from his desk, placing his badge and gun in the top drawer. "What are you doing?"

Crap. The boys are back.

She closes her notepad hastily and pushes it away on her desk."Um… Nothing. Just some thoughts on the case."

"Have anything?" Ryan asks, sitting down and turning on his computer. "We could use some ideas."

Kate shakes her head and smiles. "Sorry, guys, no luck, but I might be into something. I'll let you know."

" _Might be into something, huh?"_ Alex questions smugly. " _How about we make this a bet Beckett? If I'm right, you will do whatever I ask you to do. And vice versa. What do you say?"_

Her smile stays put as she patiently waits until the boys are back to minding their own business and then nods softly.

"Deal." She grumbles through gritted teeth.

Beating a voice in her head. How hard can it be?

* * *

She makes it home much later than expected, leaving only when Montgomery practically kicks her - and the boys - out of the precinct; the catch up the three of them did on the case being totally worth it. Well, except the pain in her knee, she could definitely live without that.

"Ok. So, what exactly do you want me to do?" Kate asks again, as soon as she reaches the privacy of her apartment. "And, I swear to you that if it's something inappropriate I will -"

 _"Oh, now you are giving me all sorts of ideas, Detective."_

The bastard has been bragging the whole ride home, ever since Espo showed her the stills from the surveillance cameras closest to the first two crime scenes, and of course, there it was, the freaking ambulance. The licence plate turned out to be fake and the driver did a really good job of hiding his face, but it's definitely the same vehicle. She got them a lead.

Well, _Alex_ got them a lead; which means she owes him now.

And, of course, he has to be a jerk about it.

"Alex... My patience has a limit, you know? I can't wait forever for you to decide."

 _"Well, I..."_ He trails off, and despite the fact that she can't actually see his face, somehow she feels the awkwardness and embarrassment in his tone. Huh, that's a first.

"Yes?" She encourages him.

 _"Iwantustogoouttomorrow"_

The words resound in her head, rushed and stumbling one over another, so for a second Kate thinks she must have misheard him.

"I'm sorry, what?"

 _"I want us to go out."_ He repeats slowly. _"You know, go to the movies or_ _something, just -"_

Going out? He must have gone insane. She can barely walk. "Alex that's-"

 _"Kate, please. Could you at least think about it? I just want to feel normal for a little while. Go watch a movie, have dinner at my favorite spot… I know I can't eat, but you'll love it. It's a fantastic place and it's close to the precinct, I promise won't have to walk that much."_ He falls silent again, waiting for her to decide.

It's Friday tomorrow and she had planned a - relatively - quiet evening in front of the TV, maybe with some pizza and a long phone conversation with her Dad, who has been too busy to come over this week. But here he is now, almost pleading and sounding desperate, so unlike his usual cheery self.

"Okay." She finally gives in with a sigh. "We're going out tomorrow. A bet is a bet. "

* * *

The following day passes by slowly between coffee, paperwork, case discussions with the boys and her extremely excited imaginary friend rambling incessantly about their upcoming night out.

She checks the cinema listings on the paper before leaving for the night and startles when she hears a gasp and then he screams " _They're showing 'Forbidden Planet' at the Angelika?"_

Kate puts the paper down and reaches for her coat, stifling a laugh with the back of her hand. "Forbidden planet?" she asks, feigning confusion, as she walks to the elevator. "Is it the one with the robot?"

" _You've never seen 'Forbidden Planet?'"_ He squeaks incredulously. " _You have got to be kidding me."_

She shrugs her shoulders, smirking. "More of a "Star Wars", "Matrix" girl myself."

" _Oh, my gosh, Kate!"_ She could imagine him jumping right now. " _This is the movie that inspired those two. That's it! It's decided. We are watching 'Forbidden Planet'!"_

She smiles sheepishly as they walk out of the elevator. She has seen the movie so many times, she could probably quote the whole thing even in her sleep. But Alex seems so overjoyed that she agreed to this… "friends night out", and she is so thankful -though still a little annoyed about losing- that she wanted to give him something else; the joy of sharing a movie with a friend.

* * *

She gets her ticket and even indulges in a little pop corn. Because, as Alex points out, "watching a movie without popcorn takes away half the fun."

Just as she suspected, he quotes every single line from the very beginning, and she is extremely grateful that this strange mind meld they share, doesn't allow him to read her thoughts or see her face, because Kate, having been in love with this movie since she was a teenager, mouths almost every word in sync with the voice in her head.

It feels so good to dive into this world once again, eccentric and a little amusing for the way its creators imagined space trips over 40 years ago. And though she will never admit it to him, Alex's presence makes the whole experience kind of new and so much better. He comments on every joke, warns her before every interesting scene and the time literally flies; an hour and forty minutes passing by like one second.

She hasn't had this much fun in - god knows how long, and she really doesn't want this evening to end.

" _Hungry?"_ Her companion asks her, as she leaves the Angelika full of thoughts and pleasant emotions.

Kate suddenly remembers that the last thing she ate was some light sandwich for lunch at the precinct, not counting the small bucket of popcorn at the theater.

"Come to think of it, yeah. And a bit tired. So, what's that fantastic place you've been raving about?"

" _Have you ever been to Remy's?"_ He asks cheerfully. " _You know, it's open all night and they've got those juicy, delicious burgers…"_

"And those shakes." She blurts dreamily, biting down on her lip before she can stop herself.

" _You do know it!"_ He exclaims, and she pictures a little kid clapping excitedly. " _Remy's then?"_ He urges her, a little impatient.

"Oh,well... why not?" She gives in. "I could really use a good cheeseburger right now. But, we better take a cab. I don't think I can walk there with these crutches."

* * *

She takes a table in the corner and while they wait for her cheeseburger and strawberry milkshake to arrive, Alex suggests she use her cellphone "as a cover tool", so they can talk about the movie without drawing more suspicious looks. She puts it to her ear and listens to the soft and slightly hoarse baritone, as he tells her the story of the first time he watched "Forbidden Planet" with his daughter when she was just a little girl and how it became their 'go to' movie until Harry Potter came out.

" _You are a liar, by the way."_ He throws casually in the end.

She chokes on her shake and grabs for one of the paper napkins, patting the corners of her mouth with it. "I'm sorry, what?"

" _This was not the first time you watched 'Forbidden Planet'. Probably not even the tenth time."_ He remarks smugly. "You, _Kate Beckett, are a big, fat geek!"_

"How- you..I- ugh" She rubs her eyes and starts again. "How could even you know?"

" _Isn't it obvious?"_ He asks playfully. " _I can read your mind."_

"Alex!"

He laughs, and the sound of his boisterous, cheery laughter makes her smile too. He really is a fun guy to have around.

"How did you know?" She demands again, her tone charged with concern.. "You really can't read my mind, can you?"

" _No mind reading, Kate. I was just kidding."_ He clarifies. " _You recited some lines out loud. I found it adorable."_

"Ugh. Shut up."

" _No, seriously. I never thought a homicide detective could be a sci-fi geek like that. It's endearing. I thought you guys were all about facts and logic and all that stuff…"_

Kate laughs at that and nods her head, before changing the phone to her other ear. " Yeah, so what? I like me some science fiction. It's not that weird, mister… What are you, Alex Rodgers? I know nothing about you." She trails off. "It'd be easier to find out what happened to you if you gave me something more than your name, you know?"

There's nothing but silence for a few long seconds and she almost panics. "Alex? You ok?"

" _Yeah, I'm fine."_ He finally replies in an overly cheerful tone. " _I...um used to write some stuff."_

"So, you write? Like a journalist?" She asks amused. "Oh wait, what do you mean, used to? You don't anymore?"

" _Well, I'm trying to go back to it. Without much success, I have to say."_

"Oh. I'm sorry." She smiles sympathetically, even though he can't see it "What exactly do you write?"

There is an awkward pause again, before she hears his nervous chuckle.

" _Nothing serious, actually. Not something you'd read, anyway."_

"Like what? A "Playboy" column?"

" _Something like that, yeah. Except, with a little more research, you know. 'Baby born with horns and tail swears he's Satan's love child.'"_

"Oh, God, tell me you're kidding!" Kate laughs. "Seriously! What do you write?"

There's only silence for a few seconds and she asks again. "Alex? What do you write? Come on! I'm sure it's not that bad!"

" _No, Kate. I… Look, I don't think we should keep doing this anymore. I'm not saying anything that will keep you digging into my disappearance. It's dangerous. It's over."_

"Hey, what's gotten into you? That classified status is just a cover. There's something about you they want to hide, but I will get to it. We will find out what happened to you, ok?"

" _Kate, please. I know I asked you to do this, but the last thing I want is to be a problem for you. I want you to stop."_ He begs. " _If I know anything about you, it's that you never give up, but this time, you're gonna have to listen to me. Drop it."_

"Alex, I-"

" _No. I won't let you get in trouble because of me. Please, Kate. I'm not worth it."_

She takes a second to think and sighs.

"Okay, fine. I will let it go. For now."

" _I guess that will do..."_

"It's all you're getting from me, buddy." She jokes, taking a long sip of her milkshake. "Now, may I ask about Alexis, at least? She sounds like a very nice kid. You have to miss her terribly..."

" _You have no idea."_ This time his voice is warm, full of affection and fatherly pride, as well as longing and a tinge of sadness.

"How old is she? Still in school?"

" _She is 17. Junior year in High School. Unlike her father, she actually loves to study."_ He chuckles nostalgically. " _I still remember the time she asked me to banish her from going to some camping trip with her friends, so she could stay at home and get ready for some really important exam."_

"Wow!" Kate shakes her head, equally amazed and amused. "Her mother and you must be really proud."

He sighs, long and loud, and it makes her wonder if she's overstepped with this simple remark.

" _I guess she is in her own way. Although, sometimes I doubt if she remembers Alexis is actually her daughter and not some 'shopping buddy'."_

"Shopping buddy?" She asks incredulous. "What do you mean?"

" _Let's say Meredith won't win 'Mother of the year' anytime soon."_ He jokes pitifully. " _Don't get me wrong, she loves Alexis, she's just not made to be a mom."_

Kate takes a second and then asks. "So you're not together?"

" _Uh, no… We got divorced when Alexis was 3."_

She can't help the grin that curves her lips upwards when he reveals he's divorced. She feels ridiculous, stupid even. Come on, Kate. Just a voice in your head, remember?

"Well, I did think it was weird that you never mentioned her." She quips, taking a look at the watch and reaching for her crutches. "It's getting late. We should head home."

* * *

Once in her apartment, Kate goes straight to bed. A whole day at work and then their "date" hasher knee hurting terribly and her legs sore and achey. She grunts when her body finally touches the mattress, at last, letting her joints and muscles relax. She's still too wired up, though, their conversation at the diner still rolling in her head, and for once, she's the one to break the silence.

"Hey, Alex?"

" _Hm?"_

"I know you wanted me to drop it, but, can I ask you something?"

It takes him a couple of seconds to answer, but he hums again in reply.

"You say you have no idea why your name is classified, right?"

" _Yes…"_

She licks her lips and takes a deep breath, as if preparing herself for whatever his response will be to her question. "Then, why did it take you so long to ask me to find out what happened to you?" She finally asks. "I mean, It's been a month and a half since the accident. Weren't you curious before?"

She hears him chuckle mirthlessly and then, " _of course I was! I just…"_

" What?" She insists. "You just what?"

" _I thought I was dead."_

That's all he gives her, but her curious nature doesn't let her leave it at that. "You ' _thought_ '? Not anymore?"

There's another long pause, and she's sure he's not going to reply, when she hears him mumble something like " _stubborn woman"_.

" _Remember that week you were mad at me and I stopped bothering you?"_

She assents and lets out a chuckle when she realizes he can't see her. "Yes, I remember."

" _Everything was clearer then. I… I heard my daughter's voice. She was calling my name, asking me to come back to her."_

"I see…"

" _I don't know what it means. It might be nothing, maybe I am dead after all, but I wanted to know for sure, you know?"_

She huffs, pulling the covers higher until she's covered up to her chin. "And you don't want me to keep looking? Alex, if you're not dead… It's important. What about your daughter? Your mother?"

" _Kate, I was serious before. I have no idea what's going on, but I don't want to get you in the middle of it. What if I'm actually dead, huh?"_ He asks, his tone escalating. " _It would be no use, and you and me both know, that digging into classified information, could cost you your job. At least."_

"You know, there's a good thing about this… mind sharing thing." She starts, turning to her side and getting comfortable to sleep.

" _What?"_

She smirks. "That you can talk all you want, but you can't actually stop me from doing whatever I want."

" _Kate!"_

"Shhh! I'm trying to sleep, Alex. Good night."

* * *

Kate turns around and closes her eyes, willing her brain to shut down, so she can have some well deserved rest before diving into the case head first again tomorrow. Her eyes start getting droopy, but the moment she feels her thoughts finally turn into snippets of some weird dream - she has gotten used to those, since the accident - somebody knocks at her door.

" _Seriously?"_ She hears Alex grumble. (Is it possible for him to dream too? She will definitely ask him later).

It takes her some time to find the button of the nightlight and then some more to get on her crutches and start her unsteady walk to the door.

"Coming!" She shouts when the knocking grows more insistent.

" _Maybe you should take your gun."_ Alex whispers conspiratorially, " _just in case. No one goes to people's homes at midnight to ask for some sugar..."_

She shakes her head at him, although, she has to admit that he is right. Again. Too often for her liking.

She fumbles with the lock for a while, trying not to lose her balance, clutching at the door jamb for support. The thing finally gives in and the person behind the door manages to grab her arm and prevent her from falling at the last possible moment.

"Josh?"

"Babe! What took you so lo- Are those crutches?"

TBC

* * *

 **Thanks so much for reading! Please excuse the long time lapses between updates, life happens.**

 **Thanks to Stacy for putting up with my crazy life (you're this story's savior), and to Hope for editing and cheering for us all along.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 _-Dreams and nightmares-_

* * *

"Are those crutches?" Josh's question resounds in her dimly lit living room.

Kate's eyes widen as she nods stepping awkwardly to the left, to let her boyfriend who had unexpectedly shown up, inside the apartment. If there is something she knows, it's that this can't work out right.

"Kate?" Josh insists, his gaze stuck to her right leg. "What the hell happened to you?"

His eyes are urgent, worried, and a little hurt too, and he has all the right to be. She hid everything from him, hoping that by the time he got back to New York, she'd be walking on her own and back to work full time, which would have allowed her to completely avoid the issue.

Apparently, karma has other plans for her.

She sighs and tries to paste on a forced smile, her eyes guarded but soft. "It's nothing, Josh. Just a little accident." She lies, ignoring Alex's " _A_ little _accident? That's the understatement of the century!"_ and steps closer to him so she can reach for his hand. "What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you had at least 4 more weeks left in Haiti?"

She huffs when she hears Alex snort and feels her boyfriend's hand squeeze hers. "You should sit down, babe." Josh blurts, taking her nuisance for pain, still looking oddly confused. "Let me help you."

She ignores his outstretched arm and starts a slow walk towards her couch, letting herself fall into the cushions once she is there. Josh sits beside her, his hand reaching for hers as soon as he is able to, his thumb caressing her skin in circular motions, making her roll her eyes.

"Josh, I am fine."

He lets go of her hand. "Sure you are…" He sighs. "Why didn't you call, Kate? When did this happen?"

"It's a long story…" She starts, running a hand through her tangled hair. "I didn't want you to worry, while you were so far away. There was nothing you could do, anyway."

"I could have come back sooner." He interrupts. "Kate, you can't keep stuff like this from me. You can't shut me out every time you need help." he adds sternly. "Babe, I want to be here for you, but it's impossible if you don't let me."

" _Oh my… Does this guy know you at all?"_ Alex asks sounding just a bit outraged.

"Now, are you going to tell me what happened to you?"

She sighs. There is no way she can tell him everything without upsetting him, and she knows she can't hide it from him either, but it's late, and she's tired, and the last thing she needs right now is a pouty doctor to deal with. So, opting for an easy way out, she leans closer to him, a playful smile on her face, her hand cupping his jaw, "Mm, babe. How about we talk about that in the morning, huh?" She purrs in his ear. "I would rather go to bed and cuddle with my boyfriend I haven't seen in months. How does that sound?"

Josh smiles and gives her a small nod, his hand already reaching for her, drawing her head closer for a kiss.

" _Ew! If you're going to do that, could you at least close your eyes?!"_

* * *

The very moment he dismisses his environmental councilor and settles back in his chair, his phone rings yet again. His schedule today is pretty busy, packed with all kinds of meetings and an important press conference, starting in less than ten minutes.

Having checked the caller ID, Mayor Robert Weldon slides his finger to the right and answers. If he knows his caller at all, this won't take long.

"Good morning, Martin."

The police Commissioner, Martin McCarthy grunts a curt "morning" and, without any preamble, goes straight to business, like always.

"I'm afraid I am calling about that writer friend of yours. Someone's been sticking their nose in the case and I don't know if we'll be able to keep it quiet for much longer."

Bob squints. "I thought you had filed it under classified. Who could be poking around?"

The Commissioner chuckles bitterly. "The detective involved in the crash. Katherine Beckett. She's a tough one. My source at the precinct called me yesterday to tell me he saw her digging through the archives. He has no doubt that she will get to the bottom of it. She's persistent."

The mayor puts two fingers to either side of his nose, trying to relieve some of the tension. "Why would she want to investigate now? The case has been closed for almost two months. And how come she is at the precinct? I thought she would still be on leave for a few more weeks."

"Captain Montgomery had to readmit her. We are short-staffed right now and we need to solve that serial killer case as soon as possible. You said that yourself, remember?"

Bob sighs and nods, then, realizing that the other man can't see him and grunts a short "Yes" in affirmation.

"I'm afraid there's not much more I can do now, Bob. I know you were trying to protect your friend, but if she finds out, there's no way I can cover it."

"Yeah, I understand, Martin. Thank you." He mumbles. "Keep me informed anyway? I want to let his family know before it is all over the papers."

* * *

 _She is trying with all her might to keep her eyes open, to find a way out of the damn car, but no such luck. Her right leg feels strangely numb, her knee throbbing, squeezed by the remnants of the dashboard._

 _The air around her is stifling hot and sticky, clinging to her skin, her lungs struggling for breath, constricted by a piece of metal framing her ribs._

 _It's a trap and there is no way out._

Kate wakes up gasping for air, her heart ready to jump out of her chest. She opens her eyes, takes in her surroundings and swallows the lump in her throat.

It's okay, just a nightmare. A bad dream.

She tries to roll on her back, pushing at something that is still pressing down on her stomach. But the man behind her grunts and pulls her closer to him. Great.

" _What the hell? Has nobody taught him what personal space means?"_ She hears Alex grumble.

"Oh, you are the one to talk!" Kate hisses as she looks down, trying to figure out a way to get free without waking Josh. "You definitely win the whole invading private space thing."

" _And what about his other hand?"_ Alex whines, ignoring her completely. " _You are dating a pervert!"_

Kate can't help but snort at that.

"Oh, really? So what, you've never put your hand on a girl's breast while sleeping?"

" _I…may have."_ He drawls out, clearly embarrassed. " _But that's not the point! I mean, he could have a little more respect, considering…"_

"Oh, can you please, just shut up?!" She growls, pushing at Josh's hand again. " I'd really appreciate it right-"

Her boyfriend suddenly stirs, mumbling something in his sleep, so she freezes mid-sentence, trying not to breathe, until the danger passes and Josh settles down once again.

"If he wakes up I'll kill you!"

" _Sorry to break it to you but, technically, that's impossible."_

"Believe me, I would find you just for the satisfaction of doing just that!"

Josh stirs again and Kate finally gets an opportunity to slide out of his grip and off the bed. She takes a deep breath and takes a pause to clear her head. Just a dream. She is alive and free. Thank God.

* * *

" _So, is this what I think it is?"_ Alex starts again, when she is finally out in the street, catching a cab. " _You are making a getaway from the "Let's talk about it in the morning, babe." duty?_

"I am not. "

" _Come on. I know you are a workaholic, but 5 a.m.? Besides, isn't it the day you should be at Roger's?"_

It is. He is right again and she hates him for that. But she'd rather listen to him teasing her all day than explain to Josh why he had to be the last one to find out about the accident.

"I need to be at the precinct, when the rest of the cam footage gets there. It has nothing to do with Josh and it's none of your damn business anyway."

" _Right."_ He sneers. " _But it doesn't mean you can avoid this talk forever. Sooner or later…"_

"Shut. Up."

A cab stops at the sidewalk and the whole ride to the precinct is blissfully silent.

The coffee shop at the corner is already open, so she decides to make a stop there, a chance to have her usual vanilla latte and a bear claw for breakfast raising her gloomy morning mood like nothing else.

" _You know,"_ Alex provides cheerfully. " _I think you should buy another one, like a reserve. "_

"Another one what?" She asks on a yawn, her brain not fully awake yet.

" _Well, I don't know the taste of your precinct coffee, but judging by the look on Ryan's face, it's something between monkey pee and battery acid. Or both."_

She can't help but chuckle at all the visuals this description gives her.

"Thanks. But I'm sure I can manage."

When Kate gets to the homicide floor the boys are already there. And, just as she hoped, so is the footage from all the cameras in the "possible crime zone" they circled yesterday on the map.

"Yo, Beckett! Check this out." Esposito calls her by way of greeting "Looks like your hunch paid off."

" _He means *my* hunch paid off"_

She suppresses the urge to roll her eyes. The new normal of her life. Some weirdo stuck in her head bugging her with crazy theories and solving her cases.

"Yes, boss." Ryan joins them at the murder board. "Looks like we finally got the guy, thanks to my immeasurable patience."

"You mean your pathetic love life? " His partner snickers.

"I can assure you, that - "

"Guys!" Kate breaks through their bickering. "Let's get back to the case, shall we? What have you got?"

Her fellow detectives stop talking almost immediately, turning all their attention to the photos on the murder board.

" _You know, Beckett, you are really good at bossing men around. It's hot."_

She is about to mutter some smart retort, when her phone starts buzzing in her pocket. Luckily, her desk is not far behind so, with Ryan's help, she sits down and pulls the device out, knowing exactly who is calling before she even looks at the screen.

"Morning, babe."

"Kate, where are you? What's up?"

Josh sounds genuinely concerned and she can't help but feel a little guilty for leaving him without any appropriate explanation.

"Sorry, I got a call from the precinct. We have a pretty serious case here."

And this is only a half lie. The case they have is actually more than serious.

"Why didn't you wake me up? Did you have your breakfast at least?"

" _Seriously? What is this guy, your mother?"_

"I'm…sorry, Josh. I just – It was early and I wanted you to have some more decent sleep."

"Oh, really? So you are not avoiding me?"

"No!" She hurries to protest, ignoring the loud snort in her head. "And I will make it up to you tonight, I promise. Now, I really need to get back to work. We'll talk later, okay? "

Although grudgingly, her boyfriend gives up, finally ending the call. She can't help a sigh of relief, stretching her tense shoulders and expects yet another witty remark from her smartass companion. But none comes.

" _Okay, I really want to see the guy, so shall we?"_ she hears instead.

His tone is overly cheerful for her liking which, actually is not new. And yet, it rubs her the wrong way.

As if there is something else she is not ready to deal with.

* * *

Turns out, Ryan spent the night in the tech room, surfing through hours of surveillance video, looking for the evasive ambulance, tracking the driver over and over and patiently waiting for the moment he would reveal his face. The detective almost gave up hope, his struggle with sleep getting harder by the minute, when he finally got his reward.

The perp's profile, reflected by a display window and caught by a camera across the street. Not much, the image being grainy and quite blurry in general, but still, it was more than they could hope for.

" _So, now what?"_ Alex mutters, after the celebratory mood has worn a little.

"Now what?" Esposito asks, as if parroting the voice in her head.

"There ought to be a place, that connects all the victims to the killer." Ryan shakes his head. "even if they were totally random, with all the planning he put in it, there has to be a place he would start the chase at, somewhere he could actually see them all."

"Yeah, but nothing has come out of the lists the relatives gave us." Esposito protests. So, unless it's some secret society or something…"

She wrinkles her nose, once again trying to make the puzzle pieces connect. The ambulance, the Japanese symbol, all the ritual stuff - the strangest combo she has ever seen. As if the killer just decided to make some crude, senseless joke.

Wait a moment…

"Or a bar." She murmurs thoughtfully, almost laughing at the craziness of her thought process.

"Guys, I need you to check a couple of bars for me."

An accountant, a coach and a social worker walk into a bar. Who would have thought?

Alex's victorious whoop is totally worth it.

* * *

Kate stares at her own reflection in the full-length mirror and sighs, both in frustration and relief. She has been hiding in the restaurant bathroom for at least five minutes, after she hastily excused herself from the candlelit dinner and Josh's sympathetic smile.

He had been treating her like a patient the whole evening, flooding her with questions and pushing for details of the accident. Which, obviously, turned their date into a very tense event, at least for her. And she had been handling it pretty well at first, managing to dodge all the dangerous points, all the while bracing herself for the fight, that was inevitably approaching with every second.

And that is how she ended up here, needing a moment to just stop and catch her breath. To be alone.

" _Having fun?"_

But... No such luck. She is never alone these days.

"Alex." She sighs wearily. "Please, don't. I'm too tired for this right now."

" _In your current position, I'd rather say cornered. Anyway, what's the big deal with…"_

"Alex! Please!"

Oh, she is cornered alright. The situation is bad enough with her boyfriend waiting outside, she also has to deal with the jerk in her head. Clearly, her life has a sick sense of humor.

"We had a deal, remember?" She continues in a calmer tone. "As a guy who managed to keep quiet for almost a week, I'd think it wouldn't be too hard for y-"

"Kate, honey! Are you okay in there?"

She stiffens, her knuckles turning white from the way she grips her crutches. That's how the proverbial "deer in the headlights" must actually feel.

" _Good question, Kate... are you okay in here?"_ Alex asks, with the usual sneer in his voice, just as Josh calls out her name again.

She takes a deep breath.

"Fine! Will be there in a minute!"

All right. The break is over. It's time to stop hiding and face the music.

"Hey, babe! What took you so long?" Josh asks in genuine concern, the very moment she pushes the door open. Her boyfriend looks so worried, a little scared even, and Kate can't help but feel guilty for shutting him out like that.

"Nothing! I just -"

But she doesn't get to finish, for the second time today interrupted by the shrill ringing of a cell phone.

 _"Saved by the bell!"_ Alex all but singsongs, as Josh excuses himself and walks aside to accept the call.

* * *

It takes her almost twenty minutes to get a cab, her hands numb and aching from the crutches by the time the yellow car stops by the sidewalk.

She manages to get inside the taxi with more grace than she usually does nowadays, and gives her address to the cabbie as she fastens her seatbelt. She can't wait to get home. This day has definitely drained all the energy out of her.

" _So… So much for a romantic dinner, huh?"_ Alex chimes in, making her release a long sigh. The last thing she needs right now is having to deal with his bullshit.

Kate keeps her eyes up front, ignoring her partner's comment, and lets herself relax on the chipped leather seat. It's only a few seconds before he's talking again.

" _You know, that boyfriend of yours didn't seem to be very worried about you."_ He starts, trying to conceal a noticeable hint of slyness. " _I mean, he came back from Haiti to find you all battered and he leaves you mid dinner to go to a meeting just a day later?"_

She bites her lip, trapping her response inside. There is no way she's going to fall for this.

" _Not that you seem to care much anyway. I wonder what are you doing with a guy like him."_

"Oh my god. Shut the hell up, will you?!" She practically yells, gaining a concerned look from the cabbie, who watches her through the rearview mirror. "You know nothing about my life or about my relationship, so do us both a favor and mind your own business. I don't need to know your opinion on everything, Alex, so keep it."

The moment she finishes talking she realizes she's not alone in the car and moves her eyes to the ground, her cheeks burning red with embarrassment. If she keeps losing it like this with him in public, she will end up in a mental hospital.

* * *

She would slam the door of her apartment if she could. What's even got into him? If she didn't know better, she would think that he's... Oh, hell no.

She snorts at the absurdity of this thought. Alex. The voice in her head. The guy she is still not sure even exists. He couldn't possibly be… But he is.

Alex is jealous.

"What's so funny?" He grumbles and she bites her tongue, not really in the mood to pick up this fight again.

"Nothing." She sighs and heads for the bed, silently cursing her crutches and the way her worn out body refuses to cooperate. Ohh, what she wouldn't give to throw them away now. She slumps on the bed, happy to finally kick off these uncomfortable sneakers, not even bothering to change her clothes. She will have time for that tomorrow.

* * *

She runs with all her might, trying to catch up with Esposito, his heavy footfalls resounding just around the corner. At this rate, their suspect might already be in handcuffs.

"Espo, wait!" She shouts, her voice coming out hoarse and wheezy. "Espo!"

She reaches the end of the gloomy corridor, expecting to see her partner as soon as she turns.

"What the…"

He is not there. And neither is their suspect. The dim lights of the precinct hallway have disappeared too.

Everything around her is blindingly white and eerily silent, with only a couple of voices barely audible in the distance.

"Hello?!" She calls, confused. "Anybody there?"

The voices get louder and she looks around for the source. The corridor is endless without any doors in sight.

No way out.

"It's cold in here."

She startles, taken by surprise and turns around to see a little girl staring at her with piercing blue eyes.

"I - I'm sorry sweetie, what did you say?"

"I wanna go home, Daddy. You know I hate hospitals!"

Oh. Right. This is where she is. She is in hospital because she got into a car crash and -

She can't help a cry of pain and clutches at her knee, aching and throbbing as if it's been burned.

The corridor starts shrinking, the walls closing up on her and she needs to run, needs to find the exit but she can't. She lies on the floor, helpless, desperately trying to get up. Her throat is dry, her mouth feels like its stuffed with cotton, so when she cries out for help, there is no voice at all.

And she is suffocating.

The red headed girl approaches her, staring straight into Kate's eyes with her bright blue ones.

"Kate." She calls, gently and soothingly. "Kate, just breathe."

" _Breathe, Kate."_ The girl repeats, insistent, but - Is it Alex's voice? " _Come on, stay with me."_

She struggles with this nightmare for him, fights the cold clutches of panic around her heart and finally, finally breaks through, waking swaddled in her bed sheets, her lungs screaming for air.

" _Stay with me, Kate."_ He pleads with her and she feels like crying all of a sudden.

" _Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."_

* * *

 **Thanks so much for reading. Let us know what you think :)**

 **A/N: We know this is taking forever to update, but life is busy and always trying us with more sh*t than we can handle. Do not fear, though. We will finish this story one way or another. Thank you so much for your support.**


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